Dear God:

Please give me the strength to get through the next week and 1/2 and please do what is right for baby J and see that she is put where she is meant to be. Give the Mom the strength to make the right decission for this child. Give David and I the strength to make it through what could be a very tough time. And show us the way as we try to make sense of everything to come.

focus Cary... focus!

Ok... crazy days yesterday... acted a little PSYCHO from all of this baby stuff... I need a break! my heart can't take much more of this... but somehow... that little sweet pea keeps me going... so as much as I want to give up... I have to wait til the end to see what happens. God it's torture!

THE week...

Let's hope so anyway. This Friday... hope it happens... if not I am not sure what we are going to do.... she CANNOT keep being in a a home that isn't permanent. It's driving me nuts! Plus I have an Easter dress for her and prob. am not going to be able to see her or get it to her. It's craziness.

Sigh... how much longer is this going to go on?

Poor little punkin'.

My heart aches for her.... it's pathetic how this all has turned out.

Well... I had to stop being selfish...

The poor little Boo Boo is sick! 101 fever... he is doing better... but on medicine. I have to hand it to her.. she really was thinking of Baby J to not get her sick. Hopefully all will happen next week sometime. I am not sure why this keeps getting prolonged... I am hoping in good time it will happen. She is going to be 8 months...we are missing all her baby years... and that makes me sad! Worst of it is.. no one thinks of baby J in all of this. Not the people that can actually do something anyway. Very hard when you get attached to a special child. I think it is in my best interest to get her and move on.... as doing this again would just be too much to go thru. Time for life to start again for us.

Her Birth Mommy is a very special person. Who is allowing us to raise her child. So I am trying my best to stay focused and to have patience. I think this is the most anything has ever tested my patience. The frustration of it all is over whelming. You cannot make it go in your favor.... it isn't up to me to do that. It is up to God I suppose. and the Birth mom... and the MCH.... and the courts... WHEW... we have a lot of obstacles to hurdle.... and we haven't gotten over the first hurdle yet. Ok... I have to let go. Just let what is to happen happen. I am not sure I have any strength left for this. But I have to.

the luck I have... or shall I say don't have....

Now her little boy got sick... and she cannot go get Journey. Really sad ... as we would have gotten our visits starting that following week. oh well... hopefully this will happen.

Today's Scorpio Horoscope: Thought it was compelling with what was going on.
3/15/2010
"If you are ready for anything its sitting down talking things out and making some promises. You of coarse are an expert at promises and keeping them. But you have learned that others aren't quite so skilled at it so you aren't ordinarily confident about everything you hear. However at the moment you can trust your ears when they tell you that the person in front of you is being completely honest. Now relax and do some celebrating."

letter from Baby J's birthmom to me this past Sat.

Written by J's Mom to Me:

"I had a dream last night that it was baby J's college graduation and I was there and then I saw U and David hugging her and she looked at me, smiled and said "thank you Mom, I love U".
Sorry, I am in tears just typing this! But I remember the feelings from my dream, I was so happy, proud and thankful for you two. I think all of this happened for a reason. I didn't give her up to the first adoptive parents through Gladney when she was first born as I know it was God's way of pointing us to you and David. I love her SOOOOOOO much and I want the best for her. She deserves it.
I better go as this is too emotional so I better stop typing....LOL. Just wanted to let you know that she will be so lucky to have parents like you two. I am thankful you guys are willing to let me see her grow up and all of her accomplishments. I can't wait to hand her to you. .... it will be the best decision."

Is she for real?????

As usual, so much is going on again. Seems all good as I have been told by the birthmom that we can have her. She made her mind up. But she is taking her on Thursday thru Monday to visit with her. So that could change fast. She said she knows she will have a good life with us... and that she dreamt about it and that it was fate we met and that she didn't get adopted by the first adoptee parents that she chose because we were meant to be for her.
She is an angel... we love her dearly... and even more now that she wants us to have her. We are so close. We tell each other we love each other on e-mails and text messages. We want her to be a part of J's life. We are hoping to get her within a week or two. But we will see how the visit goes this weekend first. I try not to get my hopes. But it is so hard when she said that it was her decission to let us raise her. I am so happy... but trying so hard not to be as I will get so excited and get my heart torn if she changes her mind. I got to see baby J this past weekend and I love her so much . Everytime I see her it is heaven sent. I cannot kiss her or hug her enough. I hope that this is finally it... and we get the baby of our dreams that we have wanted since the first time we laid eyes on her. We love you Baby J.... and both of your Mommy's want the best for you!

Patience

Patience is not something that I am good at. It doesn't matter what it is. Could be the smallest of things.... I think this is because I am such a planner. I would like everything planned out a head of time on most things in my life. And sometimes I expect other people to be the same.... which isn't for me to decide. Sometimes I know I am right about it... but some people just take longer to do things... and that is ok too. I need to remember that. Esp. at home with David. He is kinda a fly by the seat of his pants kinda guy. And there is nothing wrong with that.

I also know that when I want something I want it NOW. But when it comes to a baby... it hs been a long time.... 4 yrs and counting.

So, with lots of prayers and hope one day I will get to be a Mommy.

So much is going on....

It has been so long since I wrote on this. I think I kinda forgot about it actually. I have been really busy... trying to get my business up and running. So much has been going on...
This young lady that I have been talking to back and forth on FB... turned out to be J's Mommy. I was surprised... and shocked. I had spilled my guts about how I felt about her daughter... and about the situations we have been put thru. I know it is ok... but I built a friendship with her. She is so sweet... kind and so beautiful. She seems to be a great Mom to her other two children. They are adorable. How could I not know... well her other two children look different. Skin color and hair and eye color. I think baby J will get darker skined. She seems to be darker all over than her face. She is a beauty. I am so happy I know her BM... as I got to know her first before I knew it was really her. In fact... I decided not to find the her. I knew it was too risky.... and low and behold... it was her I was already talking to. WOW.... She seems to want us to adopt Baby J... We actually...(now that I know her Mommy) just want her to have a safe happy home that is permanent. She is getting to the age that this back and forth thing isn't going to be good for her in the long run. She needs stability... and lots more attention... and to gain more weight as she weighs so little. I think that comes from lack of attention, or too much stimulation with all the children around her..... But she is being taken care of... and that is good. We put ourselves on the list for another baby, as we cannot wait for baby J... and later find out we cannot have her. So to save our hearts we are moving on. Not letting go... just moving forward. Turning the page not closing the book. We would take her in a heart beat and give her a life to be dreamed of. We also would really want to have her Mom in our lives. She is special to me... and if she was younger I would beg to adopt her too! Not that she needs adopting... I just have a bond with her. :o) Anyway... we are moving forward.. with a heavy heart. She is not ours... as much as we would like her to be. But what is meant to be will happen and the right baby will be in our home. Whether it is her or another baby... we are just so ready to be parents... we need that in our lives. :o) Everything is perfect... we are just missing that one link. ;o)