My angel Bailey Bear....

Well, it has taken several days to be able to post anything about my beloved pet, companion and baby girl Bailey. We had to put her down on the 9th of December. My heart was crushed and was so heavy with sorrow. She was my angel and she was the love of my life. She meant more to me than anyone else did. I mean that in a very different way than how you feel about a human being. Humans can me mean, dishonest, and down right not something you always love every second of the day. A pet's love is the most unconditional love I have ever felt or given to something. Even writting this I feel a sickness up high in my tummy.... and it must be my heart just aching for her. I know all of our destiny is to die. I have heard it a million times and although so true for us all... I still cannot accept why. It is something no one can accept, or wants to accept. Anyone with a heart at least. Many times many loved ones are taken away too soon... and it hurts our hearts with tremendous pressure and pain. It is sickening and down right the sadest thing that we can experience. People keep saying... enjoy the good times you had.... but I cannot, I still want to keep having them. Some people might even think our love for each other was sick.... but I was her mother and she was my baby. I protected her like a momma bear does with her cubs. I loved every inch of her and when she licked my face all over all the time (especially when I came home from work) I just melted inside always like it was the first kiss she had ever given me. We had a great love affair; I call it. She was my rock and I was hers. It wasn't strange to me. She slept up against me every night for 12 yrs and now that she is gone, I have a teddy bear I put up against me under the covers so that I can sleep. I never thought a person could love a pet so much and I never knew a pet could love a human so much. She let me hug her, hold her, kiss her all over... and she always returned it all back to me. She never wanted away from me when I smothered her with love. She just wanted more of it.
I also sleep with her booda bear that she used to play with and I feel so warm and cozy wraping those things around me. OH! and a tshirt she most recently wore so I could smell her.

From the first day I got her, I knew she was mine.... we bonded instantly.... and she knew I was her mommy. I do not care how strange people may think I am about her. She was my everything, my life companion and it really sucks that dogs do not live longer than they do. She was there with me through it all. From kissing off all the tears that fell upon my cheeks, to every exciting time we shared together. Now that she is gone, I feel a great loss.... so much so I have to be medicated to get thru this rough time. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach right now even and I don't think my heart could ever hurt any more than it has in the past several days.

On the day of the 9th, our wonderful Vet, Dr Neiman, Sedated her, and let me and David spend some time with her. Then he came in with that shot. The end all shot. After, I turned upside down like a baby in my arms and kissed her all over. I DID NOT WANT TO LET HER GO.... I had no peace about it. I just wanted her forever with me.

I hope she is with my Grandma, and I hope she isn't hugging her too tight like she used to try to... and I hope they are keeping each other comfortable and with lots of love.

I miss you Bailey Bear. My angel forever. I LOVE YOU.

a sparkle of positive energy.....A wish upon a star!

Ok, today I had to realize that negative thinking and anger are getting me no where. Doesn't help me, doesn't help people around me and does create bad karma that I do not want or need. Today I had what I call a sparkle of positive energy. An epiphany of happy thoughts. The right baby that is right for us is in the waiting. Just from one spark of happy energy "could" in fact get us to where we want to be and on the road to happiness. Not that happiness is not here now, NO, not at all. Happiness is already here inside, just waiting to jump out of me and grab hold of a tiny little life form to hold in my arms if only for a lifetime, that it is meant to be for us and with us.

This is it! The energy from everyone and the mini prayers will be answered. There must be something special coming, something I cannot explain now, but something that will shoot through our hearts and lives faster that you and I can take in a breath of air.

I hope it will feel like a million butterflies fluttering through my entire body. Something that will make me weak in the knees and warm in my heart. That feeling will come. And all of this will just be dust from a fallen star that has already faded into darkness.

It is brushing yourself off and getting back on the horse to ride again. It is what keeps me going. It is the only thing that can be done. No one is to blame... and everyone is responsible for their thoughts and prayers. Every little thought, or wish will be answered.... we just do not know what form it will take when we can really see it before us.

I cannot wait to laugh with excitement of all the impatience I had, that will soon feel like something I can do again, as long as the outcome is this grand! YES, I said "AGAIN"!

So, as I wish upon a star tonight,,,, I mean really walk outside and wish on that star that is so bright, I will do it with a lot of positive thoughts and a lot of great feelings that picking myself up and carrying on is what I have been doing and will continue to do. Being persistent and never giving up on what you really want will stand true for me and us!

Good things do come to those that wait... I do not think I have ever seen it be any different than that. Besides, if we all never had a good thing happen we all wouldn't be living... it is what keeps us going in life's ups and downs and is how we grow, learn and tear down walls.

We all can weather a storm... we all have it in us.

Roller coasters are not for the faint of heart!

Well, today another baby fell through. A preemie baby boy who is Hispanic. He is 4 lbs and his Mother used meth. during her pregnancy. They said he is doing fine now. Methodist Childrens home did not get back fast enough and we lost him to another agency. I am not even sad. I am so angry that we lost him because of timing. This is just unacceptable to me. I know they tried their hardest. I know I was warned that these things fall through. But it still doesn't make it fun at all.

It felt like cupid hit me right in the heart... and then twisted the arrow around in there, did a little jig and broke the arrow off into my heart.

It sucks. I am so ready to have a baby at home. sigh.... I am starting to get sick of people telling me "this" will happen. Just like trying to get pregnant and people told me that. I am starting to get so sick of it, but it is my own fault. I TELL people. I have to stop telling people. Each time I tell less and less people. Next time, maybe I just won't tell anyone but David. And then the next time after that I won't even tell him. And then after that if we get a placement, I will put David in the car and tell him on the way to pick up the baby!!! Probably the best bet. Even then it could probably fall through. Man, I honestly don't think I have ever been on this high of a roller coaster. AND I HATE ROLLER COASTERS!

2nd Placement that fell through.

Very hard having to turn away a placement for a 1 yr old boy who has a skull injury. Makes me very sad. If I didn't work I would certainly have taken him in no questions asked. I just wouldn't want to leave a little boy with a skull fracture at daycare all day long while I am at work. Breaks my heart. But I guess we will know the right one when he or she comes along.

The lord works in mysterious ways, so we will keep on praying and hoping for the right fit for our family.

Bless this little boys heart! This is really tough to turn away.

Dear Baby....

Dear Baby,

I have to tell you something funny that I just remembered. Your Daddy wants to name you Diesel if you are a boy! I promise that I will do my best for that not to happen. It would be terrible because you would be teased in school so badly.

I am hoping for a normal name, as he will be the one naming you. Us adults need to remember what it is like at school to be teased, or tormented. So a name that is as unusual as Diesel, is a name a child should not have. We have all laughed about this. Even though this is something your Daddy insists upon. I will do my best to persuade him otherwise and know this will be a name to remember and look back on and laugh... He is thinking cool... and I am thinking torture! Lol!! We both really want an awesome name for you, so if you are a boy, we will come up with something.


Still waiting for you....

Hopeful with caution.

Well, Halloween came and went... I cannot beleive it is November already. Now I am hoping for a baby for my birthday. But I know it probably won't happen. I know, negative thinking huh... well.... I am hopful with caution. Better off to be this way. I just cannot beleive it is taking this long. Hurry up and be born already. I need you and want you in our lives!

It's time for something to spice things up and you are just what it will take. I am hoping it won't be another year past without you!

The baby room that I have has been waiting for a long time for you. Everytime I walk by the room I sigh. It's so beautiful. Your Daddy and I have worked very hard to put this room together, and your Aunt Melanie has let us use her baby room furniture. It goes so perfectly.

I just keep thinking.... WHEN WHEN... when are you coming home? One day you will know what it is like to wait on something that you REALLY REALLY want in life. You will be so amazed at how much it will consume you and how you will do whatever it takes to make it happen.

Ghost and gobblins without you.....

Well, I thought I would get to dress you up in a costume and show you off to everyone! I thought we would all get to trick or treat together, but I guess not ...this isn't the one....

I am really looking forward to meeting you and holding you in my arms. I am sad you aren't here by now as I wish upon a star.

Halloween is such a fun Holiday... all the spooky costumes, ghosts and gobblins and all of the candy!

I am hoping you will be around by Thanksgiving. My prayers and hopes are uplifted! I hope I can take you Christmas light watching, which is a big tradition.

It is hard waiting on you, but I know it will be worth it. Just wanted to hold you and share the holiday tradition. When can I see you?

Speaking of old friends....

I can continue to talk about meeting up with old friends. Yesterday I met up with another dear friend of mine and we went to lunch together. We talked for at least 2 hours. The anticipation of meeting with her after so long was abundant and full of exciting anticipation!

Face book has become a wonderful thing about 99% of the time. The only thing is going into the talk about David and I not being able to have babies. I know they cannot understand it, as I knew she wouldn't as well. Knowing I should be able to be a Mom and how great of a Mom I would be. Talking about it still chokes me up at times.. and I knew when enough was enough. I sucked it up and change the subject to how happily married I am and how I have found my soul mate!

It was so good to see her; after all, we both had been through a lot regarding our past situations. Luckily I didn't marry mine like she did. Although she had two beautiful children from that marriage. It was good to see her happy. She looked as beautiful as ever. As we sat to catch up she had to give me some news that she was scared to tell me. Something that she felt she should mention.... I already knew... after all I had been through this before. Something in her voice and her expressions and the "dinner" that she ever so slightly spoke about through e-mails all told me so. She is seeing my ex... the one I cried about for hours on her shoulder so many yrs. ago. It was still a surprise as it rolled off of her tongue, with a giddy sparkle in her eyes. I was so happy for her, scared for her and I felt weird. HA! Why... I have no idea, after all, I wasn't sad, or angry by any means of the word... I was astonished of how she got to where she is today and how weird it seemed too. I was afraid after all of this time of not seeing her... (10 yrs or more) that now; once again, I couldn't see her as much. I felt as if a friend was given back and taken away in a flash. Of coarse it brought out good, bad and the ugly feelings all over again. But that is to be expected... after all, he used to be the love of my life and she knew that.

I think the comfort of her talking to me about it, just showed me we picked up right where we left off... a good honest friendship with no secretes or lies. I was a tad worried... but again, he is a grown man now. Things aren't always like they used to be and I was so happy to have her in my life again. Hey we all love or loved each other at one time, so the love extended to them from me in a way that is good and healthy...after I slept on it of coarse....

I went home and hugged David, threw my arms around him and told him how lucky I was to have him. These little things that seem gloomy and wicked, are only things that make my marriage stronger and it is the little things like this that remind me of how important my marriage is to me and how thankful I am to have a husband that is so perfect and great in all the ways. As she has found this in someone that wasn't that for me. We all have soul mates and we all can find love in people that some do not. It makes me smile today, as I couldn't yesterday that this is the way life is and what matters is the love we have for one another. I wish her well and look forward to our friendship again as she is and was a great friend and worth having in my life today.

I love you friend, wish you well and know the best is yet to come for you. It's good to see you happy...it was wonderful seeing you again.

Cowboys

Well, Tony Romo pulled off a win last Sunday afternoon. It was actually great to watch and I actually didn't end up falling asleep this time. Miles Austin turning out to be a real all star receiver at 502 yards already for the season and 5 touchdown. Tony, when getting out of the pocket; to me seems to be more exciting and more like himself for one play which made for a fun Sunday afternoon. I hope this is the beginning of the beginning for the team so that we do not have any more disappointing weeks.

With that said; I think I won't be ashamed to pull out the Dallas Cowboy pin that I got from Marion Barber's Mom and wear it in public now.

Friendship

Today is a Monday and it is raining. Stalled rain over the area that is very hypnotizing. Terrible rain for a Monday unless you are at home.

I have to say that I am very thankful of the weekend I had. I was able to see an old friend that I hadn't seen for 6 yrs. I enjoyed seeing her and her beautiful daughter. She was a spitting' image of her Mom, although the opinions were otherwise. Funny how you cannot see yourself the way others do... beautiful!

As I grow older, I realize who my truest of friends really are. They are the unspoken that are always there. They are the people you know that are good. They are the ones that you do not have to speak to everyday and can be the ones you haven't seen in a very long time. But they are there... as they always are! Picking up where you left off. The feeling is good and warm. Friendship isn't of convenience, or differences... the word friendship is over used. We all have people we like.... friendships are the ones of which we love. True friendship isn't of ones that you have falling outs with... it is always of acceptance, loyalty, and just plain being there.

A quote that I know stands true, this is true of friendship as well:

Love doesn’t die from natural causes, it dies of starvation when we don’t feed it, it dies when it is deafened by the shouting of anger, it dies when it is blinded by betrayal, it dies when it is choked by misunderstanding, it dies when crushed by the weight of everyday life, it dies of exposure when the shelter of it’s partner has been taken away. Love doesn't die from natural causes, we kill it every day.

It was great seeing my old friend...although I don't see her everyday, she is one of my true friends. She I truly love... I can't wait to see her again!

Tick tock tick tock tick tock......Christmas bells are ringing!!! LOL!!

I keep hearing "tick-tock" instead of Christmas bells. Sad, I know... but very true. It is however, the end of October.

It has now been 3 yrs since we started this whole deal, 8 months in the making since we started with the Methodist Home and almost 5 months since we officially got licensed to be foster parents. Some days are crazier than others. Some days I am good at it not being the first thing on my mind, but some days it makes me nuts! Like I want to really put on the camouflage and go to Parkland and steal a baby... NO! I am just kidding.... but I can see how it can almost take you over that edge of desperation.

All I asked was to have a baby before the holidays begun. I really wanted an October baby and considering we have had a couple of things fall through, you would think that something would have stuck by now. Is it karma, is it bad luck, is it not in the cards? Some days I really just don't know. I keep hearing, it will be the right one when it happens. REALLY? Or is this going to become another statement that "oh it will happen just relax" thing that will have forever embedded in my thoughts.

David will say, " I can't wait for ....." and all I know to say back to him is, " I can't wait for a baby
". I look at him in wonder of why he doesn't say "baby".... or get impatient like me. It is a journey that I feel I am doing alone, even though I know that isn't true. Some days I wonder if this is really something I want.... or has it now become a challenge? I know deep in my gut it is something I wanted for a very long time. Something that I know will complete me. But will all of this wait... will it be over done? Will it be that big of a deal when it finally gets here...? We have been waiting so long that I am not sure anymore. I think I have analyzed this to the point I have gone mad.... into a world of darkness I cannot get out of... a place that is beyond impatience. I need an angel... and in the only form of a baby! That will cure me I am sure! Is it really the right one that I am waiting for...
is it going to be that good, that I will forget all of the heart wrenching yrs in the past? Who knows... time will tell... until then... I keep hearing tick tock, tick Tock.... instead of Christmas bells. Patience is one of the hardest things to achieve, and makes the holidays gloomy. STOP TICKING!!!!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!

It will happen.... just be patient.

Well, I should have started this in the very beginning. I actually started it on My Space and then deleted them all as it was a great way to blow off some steam. David and I have been through a lot of torment in the last few years trying to conceive a baby and trying every medical procedure to do so. Even resorting to surgeries, making embryos outside of our bodies and giving myself shots.

Needless to say as a woman, it is probably one of the worst thing you can go through for many, many reasons. My feelings of anger, rage, depression...major depression and just pure frustration have really been tested. David probably even more so from having to watch me go through all of this. Nothing like having to watch my Husband have surgery, get majorly infected from that and being in so much pain he could hardly get out of bed, to running back and forth with "samples"...to later finding out it wasn't "all him" with the problem all along. Then all the poking and prodding I had to go through the tests that said "I was OK, it was David that had the problem"...to turning around and finding out I too had a problem, that really could have saved us $15,000.00 out of our pockets if we only knew this before hand.

Every time getting our hopes up that "this is it" feelings and then only to be let down numerous of times. So many things that a lot of couples won't even talk about. So many marriages torn apart from going through this. We were lucky... we became stronger..(yes we had fights and very very low times but we let it make us stronger). It is a lot of pressure and a lot of feelings one cannot express that you have about yourself, your body and about your partner. Lots of things you would never say out loud.

I feel so sorry for all who ever have to go through this. It can be life shattering, it can kill you... I strongly believe, if anything, it changes you forever.

I would have never thought it was so disheartening until I went through it myself. This is something a lot of people do not talk about... this is something that a lot of people SHOULD talk about. That is why I am talking about it. It feels good to get it off of my chest. Especially all those angry times I had that I had never had before. Like not wanting to live, not wanting to get out of bed, life isn't worth living. Yes, it makes you feel this way. I think a lot of people bring those feelings on themselves... but with this incident, it came over me like a dark wall cloud over a Kansas sky. I fought it, but it darn near beat me. The desire a woman has to be a Mom is internal... it is built in us. Just like a heart beat or taking a breath, it is an unspoken want and need in one's life. It's a long journey, it's a tough, challenging journey that will take the life out of any spirit. It's desperation at it's finest. Giving yourself a shot is desperate, I don't care who you are. Especially shots that are full of hormones and God knows what else. It's the stuff that makes you crazy, cranky and fuzzy headed. Not to mention bloated and hair growing in places you don't want. It is something that I wish someone would have told me to save me the trouble, heartbreak and the expense. It's a risk... a big risk for many reasons. The only thing it did was save me from the "what if?". But what if this was not in the cards. God knew of a better place for a better Mother.... one who can give, nurture and take care of someone unconditionally.

I had to knock myself off of the; "but maybe if we try this one more thing," ladder and shake myself into reality. But realty had never sucked as much as this time... and I have gone through many reality checks in my lifetime. This one was tough to swallow, tough to talk about without crying, and even worse, seeing others hurt that talk to me about it, seeing the heartache in their eyes, and the "I don't know what to say so I will just look at you" syndrome. But probably worse the very top statement that just makes me cringe and want to shrivel up into a dried raisin ball is "YOU GUYS WILL PROBABLY ADOPT AND THEN COME UP PREGNANT, or IT'LL HAPPEN be patient...relax!". Something people do not know "not to say" so they say it because they don't know what else to say. I understand that. Just like when you tell someone who just lost a very close loved one "it gets better in time".... we say it because we don't know what else to say.... IT WON'T GET BETTER IN TIME... it will change you forever. You will be able to function in life a little better, but that takes a lot of time to even get to that point. People that lose their children... I bet they would tell you it never gets better. It never leaves your mind, it stays on your mind like a bad tattoo.

So, if anyone knows of anyone that may not be able to get pregnant, hold it in, do not say it. Just hug them and try to listen when they want to talk about it. Otherwise, don't bring it up, unless you want a flood of tears on your hands... it's not fun, it makes one's heart very heavy with emptiness. On the other hand, if someone young gets pregnant, don't feel bad for them, be blessed, because when they get older they might not be able to do it again. So just remember, a baby is a blessing no matter the timing, place or how they were conceived.