I forgot about the shots....thank GOD for comfort food!

Well, I forgot to mention the shots, although I would like to forget that time altogether.  The foster parents were late with her shots.  In fact the whole 9 months they had her they took her to the Dr. only three times.  I have done double that in 1.5 months. 

Well, I didn't know much about them getting shots except for A) it will hurt and B) they won't feel good after.(assuming that meant cranky and sleepy for a day.)

She was behind and had to get six shots ....  SIX SHOTS!  That's a lot for a youngster, but I was told by a few Dr. that doing them all at once is better than them catching one of the diseases... so we did it.

OH BOY... She is tough!  She did look at me in horror and said MOMMA MOMMA MOMMA and I wanted to slap the nurse and run out the door with her.  I did good too... until we got in the car... I cried like a baby... it was so emotional and exhausting trying to keep my cool.  I wanted to drive her to get ice cream but decided I didn't want to start the whole... comfort food when you are hurt or said deal... so I got myself the comfort food and we went home..(LOL,, I am already exposed to that so what the heck!).

She seemed fine, took a nap and when she got up she was sicker than a dog... I mean scary sick...  Moaning and laying on me not moving.  Her fever was high and I was scared to death.  We took her to after hours care and they gave her a stronger dose of Tylenol and we waited it out... over 24 hours of miserable sickness for her.  It was awful.  I hate the whole " let it runs in coarse thing "... that is just terrible.  Luckily they won't remember it when they get older.  that is the only thing going for us Mom's!

She got over it... but has to get 1 more extra shot the next two times to finish getting us caught up!  I dread it.  Next month too!  UGH!  This time we will wait until after her Birthday so she can actually have a good time!

I will say this... she is tough.  At this age at least.  she barely cried.  Just a somber quite cry and a couple of tears.  That is more than I can say for me... it was horrifying!  I wanted to call that stupid foster Mother in the middle of the night and chew her out SO badly.....  This is all her fault and that is who gets the blame for all of this!!

Thank God for comfort food....   

PARTY!

Emmy went to a girl birthday party, her cousin Alexa.  She had a blast.  She played for 2 hours and had a great time.  She ate cake and helped Alexa open some of her presents.  Emmy gave Alexa a doll, a book and the Candy Land game.  Alexa's party was pink and orange and full of candy, cakes and balloons.  Alexa turned "2"!

So cute how Alexa and Emmy hug, kiss and hold hands.  Alexa is already mothering at age 2!  soooo sweet!

Emmy got to meet her great, great uncle Jack and Aunt Bettie and also great uncle Jerry .  Of course she was a wiggle worm and was always right in the middle of the action. 

Boy did she sleep good last night.....  She fell asleep in the car on the way home, had a bottle, bath and books and didn't hesitate to lay in her crib and fall fast asleep.

Daddy on the other handle wasn't sure about all the kids....  he wanted to go and then realized this is a house full of kids running every where... LOL  I told him to get ready.... we have many more of these and I cannot wait to get into a house to accommodate lots of children and family for Emmy's parties.  until then we will have them elsewhere as we definitely aren't kid proofed or have the room to do so.  Oh Daddy...  was funny and not sure about all of those kids!  I loved it!  Get ready daddy... it's going to be an adventurous exhausting time!

I can't wait!

10 Month Check up...

When we got her her weight was 12 lbs. and she was -2 in weight percentage

10 month check up she was 17 lbs. and now 3% in weight, 33 inches long
Her height was 46% (Normal)
and her head was 33% (normal)

We are making progress slowly but surely. The Dr. said he expects her to catch up by 12-18 months.

Don't let the size fool you... she is bigger than life in that small package!

Emmy... Journey.....Bailey...... What's in the name here....

Well, it is kinda strange how the names stick.... I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I kept calling her different things. The name thing is so confusing. More and more each day the name Emmy fits her. Although sometimes when I am a little angry with her I call her Bailey...... probably because I was so used to yelling "Bailey" when Bailey would pee on the carpet once again.... Then there is the mix up of Journey and Emmy all of the time. Daddy was calling her Journey, Mommy was calling her Emmy... and it was confusing as heck. I let it rest. I never wanted to discourage anyone from calling her what they felt they wanted to call her. But I think in all of our hearts... Emmy is the name that feels right. Journey is great, it has so much meaning... but the Journey is over and life has begun. We won't close the book, but we sure of heck have turned the page to a beautiful beginning. I usually call her Emmy when she is being silly... or laughing because after all.... that is what was great about Grandma! She was always silly or laughing and smiling and I think that is why Emmy fits her so well. When she is chatting a lot, and talking to the TV, cookie monster or me... I call her Emmy Mae..... which reminds me of Grandma Lola..... LOL.

She has such a great name... wonder what she will want to be called when she is older......

First words..... in order:

Da Da at 36 weeks
Papa
Hi
Momma
Nana
Okay

She really catches on fast. She also is very very mischievous. Very ornery and very cute! There is a sweet smile that will light you on fire with warmth. She is such a sweetie!

She started walking at 10 months by herself, but she walked and took five steps between Mommy and Daddy at 9 months.

Her latest thing is to shake her head no back and forth several times with a big smile on her face. It's VERY cute! Aunt Lindy taught her to rock... bobbing her head forward and now she does that to music, although her first sign of rhythm was with her arms..... up in the air. She also at nine months would throw both hands up in the air and say YAY!

At 10 months she is clapping on her own and loves patty-cake and itzy=bitzy spider!
She loves giving kisses with her mouth wide open. She won't hesitate to give you 2-3 in a row either.

This morning I told her " you forgot to give mommy a kiss good morning". She dropped her toy and took her paci outta her mouth fast and gave me a kiss.... three times and put her paci back in her mouth. She is such a joy to have around. It's like living for the first time!

OKAY!

I should have written sooner... although I have been a very busy "new" Mommy! YES.... after all the heart wrenching years, FINALLY a Mommy at last! It has been a roller coaster(this time a good worth while one!) Okay let me start off from where I left off.

On Tuesday April 13th we met Katherine AKA Tummy Mommy at the attorney's office. Little did she know we were watching out the window as my friend Felicia drove and parked in the parking lot at the attorney's office. All we saw was Felicia coming around to the other side, jumped in and was obviously holding Katherine. It was hard for her.... and I am actually glad it was because if it weren't then I would know she didn't care about Emmy. I wanted to always know she had a heart and was a good person. That she cared so much for Emmy that she had to let her go to have a better life. I knew for many other reasons how extra hard this was on her. I wasn't like other's.... my main concern was Katherine. I wanted her to feel safe and secure about this. If she didn't... I wanted her to take Emmy and try for a good life with her. Although I knew deep in my heart that wasn't going to be. I went outside the attorney's office and waiting for her to come up the elevator with Journey (AKA EMMY). I wanted to make sure she was sure about this before she met Nana and Papa and before even seeing the inside of the attorney's office. THANK GOD the attorneys office was very nice and the two attorney's one of which was Aunt Melanie's good friend and someone I knew well, but Kristy was so sweet and down to earth. She had a good heart, not like what you would normally think about an attorney's office. aunt Kristi was there taking beautiful pictures of the whole thing... being careful not to overwhelm Katherine...she did a superb job of it all. Taking the most delicarte pictures of such an emotional day. Katherine came around the corner and I just hugged her. At that moment I wanted to adopt her too! I wish we were so rich we could have. Even though I knew it would be somewhat of a risk. I love that girl and I really hope she stays involved somehow in Emmy's life. I know it is hard for her. It isn't for me. I have no jealous or greedy feelings about it. I am Mommy and she is Tummy Mommy. Basically she has two Mommy's and I will never to anything to change that. Only Katherine can change that within Emmy, it isn't my business or place to stand in the way, nor would I ever want to.

We went inside... I asked family to step out along with David and I. I wanted Katherine to hear all the negative in doing this. That there will be no written statement that it is an open adoption. that once she signs her rights away, it is forever. All of the harsh words came down on her like being locked away forever. I knew this would be tough once she heard it soberly, and bluntly from the attorney's lips. I wanted her to do what she felt... not what she thought "we" wanted. So we waited patiently. The attorney (Kristy) left the room and we let Katherine and Felicia talk it through so that Katherine understood the meaning of this. Letting go of her rights forever. Later Katherine came out and handed Emmy to me and said " I want you to be the Mother of Journey and raise her". My heart fluttered with sadness for her and my heart broke inside as well. This isn't about me... this is about Journey...Emmy.... having a good life... but her Mom letting her go because she loved her so much. Bless Katherine... she didn't know if we were lying to her that we would always stay in touch... and were just going to run off for her to never hear about her again. She was so brave. She did such a selfless thing and let her go to a better home and give her a life that she couldnt give her. It was touching ... sad and happiness rolled into one. I put the happiness in the back of my heart and focused on Katherine. That was my main focus and all of my worries! I loved her like a daughter after all the prior communication and support her and I gave each other. (through this Journey). It was a happy time... and a very hard time for Katherine. It just tore out my heart... I cried with her. Once the papers were notorized... we hugged each other with everyone watching. I held her sooo tight. I literally wanted to pick her up and rock her in my arms. She held Journey so tight. Gave her to David and we held each other more. I LOVE her with every part of me. She is so strong and I look up to her for that. If ANYONE would ever say anything about her in a negative way I would lash into them. THAT will be forever! She is family... and now legally! :o)

deep breath.... we walked out and of course hugged some more and then we all went to lunch at Mi Cocina. Except Emmy... Nana, Papa, and Daddy. Yea... Daddy and Mommy is what we are now... (proudly) I got the baby I wanted from the minute I sat eyes on her. I fell in love with her so fast it would make your head spin. I loved her from head to toe as if she was meant for me fomr day one...... (the christmas party)

We went to the restaurant and it was a little tense. Not in a bad way but I think we were all so exhausted emotionally. We all had a margarita and relaxed ..."some". Aunt Jenifer wanted to meet her so we stayed until she could get there with Braden and Hunter. She was so excited to meet Katherine. Later after Emmy's nap Nana and Papa brought her there to see us all again and for Katherine to see how we all are with her. I think she felt good about it.... I think she was starting to feel peace over her. I could look into her eyes and read her mind.... I knew there would be deep pain... but I also knew she trusted me and felt good about the decission she made.

What a joyous time for us all. For Katherine it was bitter sweet... kinda for me too.... but once that focus was gone and I took Emmy home... it was the happiest day in my life. Nothing will ever top that.... nothing. I love that child so much... and now.. as of today... I feel like I gave birth to her. Of course never forgetting who really did.... I finally feel like a mommy. I cannot beleive this beautiful 22 yr old girl gave me the chance to be a parent..... she has to feel good inside about that! She has texted me and written me... checking on her to see how she is. I send pictures and we laugh at all the neat things that she does. After all her and I are the mom... and we get a kick over every move this child makes. It's kinda neat sharing stories about our daughters advances in her new life.... it's nice having her to talk to. I hope this continues...after all this isn't about me.. or Katherine.. it is about Journey (Emmy) and growing up feeling good about all of us too!.... she is one lucky baby girl!

(during her nap while we were eating.... The MCH served us with papers that we were no longer foster parents.... LOL.. of all the irony... that was GREATNESS!)

OH GOSH... this is it.. tomorrow is the day....

I am sooo sick to my stomach... I feel like I am going to the bathroom soon and not sure which end it is going to come out of because I am soooo stressed about tomorrow that it will go smooth. It has messed my entire system up. sigh...( I just took the biggest sigh ever...)

We are soo used to things going wrong so what is happening is I am getting sick as ever with worry... frantic panicing that we won't get her! sigh... another long sigh.... I should have taken off work today too!

I have to stop typing as I am so sick with fear!

Love is thicker than water....

Who says blood is thicker than water.... I think love is thicker than water. You do not have to have the same blood to love unconditionally. You do not have to have the same blood to be family.. so why wouldn't it be, "love is thicker than water"! Well, that is how I am going to be anyway. Not only am I gaining a Daughter with the rights of parenthood... I also gain a sister/friend. I feel like I wish she was my daughter.... but she is an adult.. and has been a friend to me in a way that no one else ever can. She is giving David and I the gift of love, parenthood, and so much joy that a person could every want. She is giving us her heart and for this I am gratful. But she isn't losing out... I know it seems that way... and I could never know what she is feeling inside, but she will get to see her baby girl whenever she wants, she will have full contact to know how each day and night is if she would like. She will get pictures and be able to see the happiness her daughter will always have in her life. She has given us a gift like no one else can or will. She is my angel... and I have said that from the beginning. I took a big risk... a large chance in order to make J's life better. I did it for her, me and her Mom. Everyone told me it wouldn't work,,, I shouldn't have done this, I was making a big mistake. But I knew better. I followed my gut. I took that risk that a lot of people would never do. And I am glad I did because it has proven to be a risk worth taking. I am so lucky to have a birth mom in my life that I love as family, enjoy like a sister and get to talk to every day. I am one of the lucky ones. I think she is lucky to have us too. No one next to her can take care of her daughter like we will and have. It's an amazing miracle that has proven true to the statement, good things come to those that wait. But it was a rough wait... a long road, a terrible, fun, exciting, scary, aweful, blessed and wonderful Journey.

Dear God:

Please give me the strength to get through the next week and 1/2 and please do what is right for baby J and see that she is put where she is meant to be. Give the Mom the strength to make the right decission for this child. Give David and I the strength to make it through what could be a very tough time. And show us the way as we try to make sense of everything to come.

focus Cary... focus!

Ok... crazy days yesterday... acted a little PSYCHO from all of this baby stuff... I need a break! my heart can't take much more of this... but somehow... that little sweet pea keeps me going... so as much as I want to give up... I have to wait til the end to see what happens. God it's torture!

THE week...

Let's hope so anyway. This Friday... hope it happens... if not I am not sure what we are going to do.... she CANNOT keep being in a a home that isn't permanent. It's driving me nuts! Plus I have an Easter dress for her and prob. am not going to be able to see her or get it to her. It's craziness.

Sigh... how much longer is this going to go on?

Poor little punkin'.

My heart aches for her.... it's pathetic how this all has turned out.

Well... I had to stop being selfish...

The poor little Boo Boo is sick! 101 fever... he is doing better... but on medicine. I have to hand it to her.. she really was thinking of Baby J to not get her sick. Hopefully all will happen next week sometime. I am not sure why this keeps getting prolonged... I am hoping in good time it will happen. She is going to be 8 months...we are missing all her baby years... and that makes me sad! Worst of it is.. no one thinks of baby J in all of this. Not the people that can actually do something anyway. Very hard when you get attached to a special child. I think it is in my best interest to get her and move on.... as doing this again would just be too much to go thru. Time for life to start again for us.

Her Birth Mommy is a very special person. Who is allowing us to raise her child. So I am trying my best to stay focused and to have patience. I think this is the most anything has ever tested my patience. The frustration of it all is over whelming. You cannot make it go in your favor.... it isn't up to me to do that. It is up to God I suppose. and the Birth mom... and the MCH.... and the courts... WHEW... we have a lot of obstacles to hurdle.... and we haven't gotten over the first hurdle yet. Ok... I have to let go. Just let what is to happen happen. I am not sure I have any strength left for this. But I have to.

the luck I have... or shall I say don't have....

Now her little boy got sick... and she cannot go get Journey. Really sad ... as we would have gotten our visits starting that following week. oh well... hopefully this will happen.

Today's Scorpio Horoscope: Thought it was compelling with what was going on.
3/15/2010
"If you are ready for anything its sitting down talking things out and making some promises. You of coarse are an expert at promises and keeping them. But you have learned that others aren't quite so skilled at it so you aren't ordinarily confident about everything you hear. However at the moment you can trust your ears when they tell you that the person in front of you is being completely honest. Now relax and do some celebrating."

letter from Baby J's birthmom to me this past Sat.

Written by J's Mom to Me:

"I had a dream last night that it was baby J's college graduation and I was there and then I saw U and David hugging her and she looked at me, smiled and said "thank you Mom, I love U".
Sorry, I am in tears just typing this! But I remember the feelings from my dream, I was so happy, proud and thankful for you two. I think all of this happened for a reason. I didn't give her up to the first adoptive parents through Gladney when she was first born as I know it was God's way of pointing us to you and David. I love her SOOOOOOO much and I want the best for her. She deserves it.
I better go as this is too emotional so I better stop typing....LOL. Just wanted to let you know that she will be so lucky to have parents like you two. I am thankful you guys are willing to let me see her grow up and all of her accomplishments. I can't wait to hand her to you. .... it will be the best decision."

Is she for real?????

As usual, so much is going on again. Seems all good as I have been told by the birthmom that we can have her. She made her mind up. But she is taking her on Thursday thru Monday to visit with her. So that could change fast. She said she knows she will have a good life with us... and that she dreamt about it and that it was fate we met and that she didn't get adopted by the first adoptee parents that she chose because we were meant to be for her.
She is an angel... we love her dearly... and even more now that she wants us to have her. We are so close. We tell each other we love each other on e-mails and text messages. We want her to be a part of J's life. We are hoping to get her within a week or two. But we will see how the visit goes this weekend first. I try not to get my hopes. But it is so hard when she said that it was her decission to let us raise her. I am so happy... but trying so hard not to be as I will get so excited and get my heart torn if she changes her mind. I got to see baby J this past weekend and I love her so much . Everytime I see her it is heaven sent. I cannot kiss her or hug her enough. I hope that this is finally it... and we get the baby of our dreams that we have wanted since the first time we laid eyes on her. We love you Baby J.... and both of your Mommy's want the best for you!

Patience

Patience is not something that I am good at. It doesn't matter what it is. Could be the smallest of things.... I think this is because I am such a planner. I would like everything planned out a head of time on most things in my life. And sometimes I expect other people to be the same.... which isn't for me to decide. Sometimes I know I am right about it... but some people just take longer to do things... and that is ok too. I need to remember that. Esp. at home with David. He is kinda a fly by the seat of his pants kinda guy. And there is nothing wrong with that.

I also know that when I want something I want it NOW. But when it comes to a baby... it hs been a long time.... 4 yrs and counting.

So, with lots of prayers and hope one day I will get to be a Mommy.

So much is going on....

It has been so long since I wrote on this. I think I kinda forgot about it actually. I have been really busy... trying to get my business up and running. So much has been going on...
This young lady that I have been talking to back and forth on FB... turned out to be J's Mommy. I was surprised... and shocked. I had spilled my guts about how I felt about her daughter... and about the situations we have been put thru. I know it is ok... but I built a friendship with her. She is so sweet... kind and so beautiful. She seems to be a great Mom to her other two children. They are adorable. How could I not know... well her other two children look different. Skin color and hair and eye color. I think baby J will get darker skined. She seems to be darker all over than her face. She is a beauty. I am so happy I know her BM... as I got to know her first before I knew it was really her. In fact... I decided not to find the her. I knew it was too risky.... and low and behold... it was her I was already talking to. WOW.... She seems to want us to adopt Baby J... We actually...(now that I know her Mommy) just want her to have a safe happy home that is permanent. She is getting to the age that this back and forth thing isn't going to be good for her in the long run. She needs stability... and lots more attention... and to gain more weight as she weighs so little. I think that comes from lack of attention, or too much stimulation with all the children around her..... But she is being taken care of... and that is good. We put ourselves on the list for another baby, as we cannot wait for baby J... and later find out we cannot have her. So to save our hearts we are moving on. Not letting go... just moving forward. Turning the page not closing the book. We would take her in a heart beat and give her a life to be dreamed of. We also would really want to have her Mom in our lives. She is special to me... and if she was younger I would beg to adopt her too! Not that she needs adopting... I just have a bond with her. :o) Anyway... we are moving forward.. with a heavy heart. She is not ours... as much as we would like her to be. But what is meant to be will happen and the right baby will be in our home. Whether it is her or another baby... we are just so ready to be parents... we need that in our lives. :o) Everything is perfect... we are just missing that one link. ;o)

Gave it up....

Well, I gave it up and turned it over to God. I had to let go because I was so obsessed with not having her. I had to realize that it was out of my control. There was nothing I could do but try to find the Birth Mom and that was a loss.

So now I am off to getting my mind set on other things I need to get done, or start doing for myself. Don't get me wrong... I still think of her.... just not with that sick feeling in my stomach any more. It doesn't do anyone involved any good for me to worry and make myself sick over it. I am a born worrier, so I knew I had to let it go and let it rest.

I think the agency probably thinks I am a nut case by now... but ya know... when you fall in love with a child, you will get excited and emotional.

Ahhhh.... so even though I am letting go... it isn't all the way as I still have her in mind. But have to put that wall up. It is only to protect myself.

Man... this is really hard...

It is still only Jan. and I still have to wait at LEAST 1 month before I can even get to see her again. MAN O MAN this is so hard. I feel like a school kid with a boyfriend that is going to be gone for a month and you know how that is when you are young in love... a month feels like a year!

This so could go wrong... I could not ever see her again. This is just rotten how this all works. I at least want the birth mom to know what is going on here. That baby girl needs to be with a loving family that wants to adopt her. And if the birth mom wants her back, she can at least know she is with people that love her just as much as she does.

This is the hardest wait. I feel like we are missing out on so much of her growth! I feel like the people she is with just aren't what this baby girl needs. My gut feelings are so severe with this situation. I have only felt something in my gut this strong one other time in my life and I still believe I was right about that too. I wish I could just call this birth mom myself and talk to her. She is the one with the power, as she should be! She needs to make a decission. We would love to share the baby with her so that she can still have contact. We want this to work out for everyone involved and what is best for her. I want to call that foster mom so badly and tell her she needs to tell the MCH that she doesn't want her any longer. I know they won't... so sad too as that would be the christian thing to do especially since some of the reason is to have her for the money they get for taking care of her. We don't even want that. That is not why we became foster parents.

Taking her away....

Is like taking a cub from a mamma bear... I wouldn't suggest doing it... I wouldn't want to try it. Now we cannot have baby girl until after April. It broke my heart. So much so I couldn't bare to type my feelings last Friday as It was like someone pulled the earth right out from under me.

We start respite visits with her in March. So that will be good. But so much can happen during that time. It's crazy. But David and I want her... and only her. We may not get her. But We want her... badly! I can lose sleep over this. So I will have to keep busy... busy as a bee for at least 4 weeks. Ugh!

Baby J we love you. We want what is best for you. We want your Mommy to come back and possibly do the most unselfish thing she has ever done... and let us take her in and give her a great life. One that she can be involved in with us... and be a happy family
Trying to hold back tears.. with my chin up. Your Daddy and I long for you to come home! (I say Daddy with great hope.... LOL)

Little bundle

Ok... last weekend we had J for the weekend for a test run. It went great... so great that we cried when we had to give her back. Saturday just David and I had her.. and the next day Nanna, Papa, Uncle B and Aunt J, Hunter & Braden all came over to see her. She was held all day and was a joy. I did nothing but kiss her and love her all the time. She seems to love being sung to and basically held all of the time. She is the most smiley, happy baby I have ever seen. We both fell in love. David was so protective of her and so involved with changing diapers, putting to sleep etc... We dropped her back of on Monday and Tuesday I was nothing but on cloud nine knowing we will be getting her back full time in two weeks. She is perfect. Perfect for David and I fits into the family so well. Gosh her Birth Mom must be the most beautiful person.

We really hope we get to adopt her. But I want to make sure her birth mom really is sure about this. The MCH tries to contact her, by mail and by phone and nothing happens. In fact it has been since 10/30/2010 when they had her for a visit and droped her back off... never to call or try to see how she has been doing ever since. (so they say) Maybe she is trying to let go.... I don't know. Or maybe she is trying to get on her feet again so she can afford her.

We already have money saved for the baby we get to adopt to go to college and to have a life she or he might not normally have. Yes, we are in love with her... and that is that. It is in God's hands now.. so all we can do is sit here on pins and needles... waiting and wondering and missing her!

God

Funny how he works.... I lose one baby and gain another. It is time to say the next thing... that I hate... but is so true a lot of times.... What is meant to be is meant to be. He had a plan all along. Don't get me wrong... I might not get to keep her, but I am sure going to think I am... always keeping in the back of my mind it may only be for a short time. Whatever is meant to be will happen.... and besides... why think negatively about it when all you are doing is wasting all the love that she could be absorbing from us. She needs it and deserves it. She deserves the best. We will just take it one day at a time. I know if it gets closer to the adpotion period... I will start to worry. But until then I will enjoy it and make our home hers as she is ours... for now anyway. Afterall, it really isn't about me.. it is about her. So being selfish cannot get in the way. What is best for her is best and I beleive "he" will make happen in his own way. Hopefully we will be a part of her life some how..... We love her.

Wow.. this Fostering thing is a bit weird....

Called the foster mom that is taking care of J. Seems so strange to pass her over from one car to the other. But I guess what matters is the bottom line. I sent an e-mail to the foster parents and haven't gotten a response back yet. hmmmm.... I am so anxious to get my hands on her and kiss, kiss, kiss her and hug her. I cannot wait to give her a bath and get her into some really cute clothes. I cannot wait to stare at her. I know I will not get much sleep.... but it is all good... and all so wonderful. I am so in love already... WOW!

playing the waiting game... at least it is a fun game!

I am getting very anxious and I have a list a mile long to get ready for the baby to get here. Although we only get her for 1 weekend this week... I am looking forward to the full time with her. What a change of pace this will be for David and I. I am nervous.... excited and a little scared for the big life changing event. Just wish we would have gotten her right at birth.

But we cannot turn back time, so we will go forward and see what roads lie ahead.

Cannot wait for her to come over... What a wonderful time. I know I will feel really good getting a baby in our home to love forever. Little J will be covered in love. But that could be a good thing or a bad thing. It could later be something that is teased later in life in a nagative way, so sticking to Emmy is good. It makes her even more part of the family being named such important names like that. It makes us feel proud!

I LOVE her name.... LOVE IT! wouldn't change it in anyway....It's beautiful.

I hope she is not too confused with this... and hope she loves us as much as we love her!

This is bliss!

New News!

Just found out we get to start the respite visits with her a week earlier. I am sooo excited!

J

Well, things are looking up! We have a little girl that I have wanted since she was born. She was given to another family while my case-worker was on vacation:o(. Although the anger was great, holding her at the Methodist Home Christmas party was wonderful... and sad a little for David and I as we fell in love with her the moment we laid eyes on her.

We ended up not staying long at the party as we were kinda a little let down. I didn't want to leave Journey... I felt she was meant for me. I got in the car and said " that is our baby!"

Then, several weeks later... well I guess a month later (1 wk ago...) we got a call from Karri our case-worker that we could have J possibly if her Mom still wasn't visiting or contacting them. As they have tried to contact her by phone and by letter several times with no response.
(well,,,, that is what we were told anyway)
So now, on the 22nd of January 2010, we will start respite visits with her... for two weekends in a row until we get her full time. The selfish part of me doesn't want her to.... the heart of me wants her to come and wisk J away and have her forever... because... very simply... she is her birthmom! Gosh you have to know her heart aches for J... but at the same time... so does mine.

I already love this Baby. WE ALREADY love her! David is so smitten with her. Then again so am I! I have already been sewing dresses for her. In fact as soon as I got the MAYBE that we would get her... I made her a dress right away! I picked out a beautiful blue color that I knew would look good against her beautiful skin.... the skin color we wanted from the beginning ;o)

sigh.... so in love and we still have two weeks to wait! I have to be patient. Afterall... there is a chance that we won't get her. You never know what could happen in two weeks.

I didn't get to spend the first 5 months with her... but I know this foster family is treating her so well. They are angels! Gosh I hope they don't change their minds too! GOSH!

Anyway... back on J! We LOVE the name...

So... although scared... we are hoping that we get to keep little J! We are hoping that it all comes out the way we want. But it is in God's hands. As it always has been his plan for us.

So off to worrying... off to hoping wishing and wondering... but it will be worth it... as long as J is happy and well taken care of... and very very LOVED!

2 weeks will take forever for me! Even if we get her for a little while... I will be happy.
What a journey this will be!

Greater than carpet.

I finally have the guts to write something after Bailey's death without crying. I am so heart broken... and have a sense of insecurity that I haven't really felt before. I realized today on the way to work that this comes from Bailey being gone. I no longer have anyone that needs me and loves me unconditionally. I agree that only a pet's love is ever unconditional a human's is only transitional.

The feeling of not having her here to "need me" to take care of her and love her. I miss that so much. I kinda feel lost without her. I am very clingy and uneasy without her. It is so strange.

I am hoping that I will get that from adopting a child. I need to feel that. In a way deep down I think everyone needs to be needed. Grief is a lot to swallow... and a lot to deal with. It makes you feel like a different person and I KNOW it makes you not the person you used to be. So I guess she was kinda like having a child, one that is needy for you for just about everything. I love to be needed... and I didn't realize just how much that would effect me. But I am so glad I realized it on the way to work today. I was starting to think things were going down hill fast and I didn't know how to stop it. Now I know... it is good to be needed, and I hope I am needed again someday... REAL SOON! :o) God only knows how my heart aches for her. Now I am scared everyone is going to leave me. I hate this broken feeling in my gut. It is so terrible.

My dentist wanted to give me info on getting in touch with his yorkie breeder... and I just can't yet. I don't think I can.... even though people keep telling me I will. No other dog can replace her. I know that is a fact. So if you are reading this, and you sometimes get upset at your pet, or friend or spouse.... realize how much it is nice to be needed... and if that need was taken away you would want it back in an instant. I would clean up pee off the carpet from her accidents in a heart beat with no complaints. I am sooo happy I do not have guilt from getting mad at her, because it was very very rare I got mad at her for it. My love for her was always greater than the carpet and for that I am thankful!