Man... this is really hard...

It is still only Jan. and I still have to wait at LEAST 1 month before I can even get to see her again. MAN O MAN this is so hard. I feel like a school kid with a boyfriend that is going to be gone for a month and you know how that is when you are young in love... a month feels like a year!

This so could go wrong... I could not ever see her again. This is just rotten how this all works. I at least want the birth mom to know what is going on here. That baby girl needs to be with a loving family that wants to adopt her. And if the birth mom wants her back, she can at least know she is with people that love her just as much as she does.

This is the hardest wait. I feel like we are missing out on so much of her growth! I feel like the people she is with just aren't what this baby girl needs. My gut feelings are so severe with this situation. I have only felt something in my gut this strong one other time in my life and I still believe I was right about that too. I wish I could just call this birth mom myself and talk to her. She is the one with the power, as she should be! She needs to make a decission. We would love to share the baby with her so that she can still have contact. We want this to work out for everyone involved and what is best for her. I want to call that foster mom so badly and tell her she needs to tell the MCH that she doesn't want her any longer. I know they won't... so sad too as that would be the christian thing to do especially since some of the reason is to have her for the money they get for taking care of her. We don't even want that. That is not why we became foster parents.

Taking her away....

Is like taking a cub from a mamma bear... I wouldn't suggest doing it... I wouldn't want to try it. Now we cannot have baby girl until after April. It broke my heart. So much so I couldn't bare to type my feelings last Friday as It was like someone pulled the earth right out from under me.

We start respite visits with her in March. So that will be good. But so much can happen during that time. It's crazy. But David and I want her... and only her. We may not get her. But We want her... badly! I can lose sleep over this. So I will have to keep busy... busy as a bee for at least 4 weeks. Ugh!

Baby J we love you. We want what is best for you. We want your Mommy to come back and possibly do the most unselfish thing she has ever done... and let us take her in and give her a great life. One that she can be involved in with us... and be a happy family
Trying to hold back tears.. with my chin up. Your Daddy and I long for you to come home! (I say Daddy with great hope.... LOL)

Little bundle

Ok... last weekend we had J for the weekend for a test run. It went great... so great that we cried when we had to give her back. Saturday just David and I had her.. and the next day Nanna, Papa, Uncle B and Aunt J, Hunter & Braden all came over to see her. She was held all day and was a joy. I did nothing but kiss her and love her all the time. She seems to love being sung to and basically held all of the time. She is the most smiley, happy baby I have ever seen. We both fell in love. David was so protective of her and so involved with changing diapers, putting to sleep etc... We dropped her back of on Monday and Tuesday I was nothing but on cloud nine knowing we will be getting her back full time in two weeks. She is perfect. Perfect for David and I fits into the family so well. Gosh her Birth Mom must be the most beautiful person.

We really hope we get to adopt her. But I want to make sure her birth mom really is sure about this. The MCH tries to contact her, by mail and by phone and nothing happens. In fact it has been since 10/30/2010 when they had her for a visit and droped her back off... never to call or try to see how she has been doing ever since. (so they say) Maybe she is trying to let go.... I don't know. Or maybe she is trying to get on her feet again so she can afford her.

We already have money saved for the baby we get to adopt to go to college and to have a life she or he might not normally have. Yes, we are in love with her... and that is that. It is in God's hands now.. so all we can do is sit here on pins and needles... waiting and wondering and missing her!

God

Funny how he works.... I lose one baby and gain another. It is time to say the next thing... that I hate... but is so true a lot of times.... What is meant to be is meant to be. He had a plan all along. Don't get me wrong... I might not get to keep her, but I am sure going to think I am... always keeping in the back of my mind it may only be for a short time. Whatever is meant to be will happen.... and besides... why think negatively about it when all you are doing is wasting all the love that she could be absorbing from us. She needs it and deserves it. She deserves the best. We will just take it one day at a time. I know if it gets closer to the adpotion period... I will start to worry. But until then I will enjoy it and make our home hers as she is ours... for now anyway. Afterall, it really isn't about me.. it is about her. So being selfish cannot get in the way. What is best for her is best and I beleive "he" will make happen in his own way. Hopefully we will be a part of her life some how..... We love her.

Wow.. this Fostering thing is a bit weird....

Called the foster mom that is taking care of J. Seems so strange to pass her over from one car to the other. But I guess what matters is the bottom line. I sent an e-mail to the foster parents and haven't gotten a response back yet. hmmmm.... I am so anxious to get my hands on her and kiss, kiss, kiss her and hug her. I cannot wait to give her a bath and get her into some really cute clothes. I cannot wait to stare at her. I know I will not get much sleep.... but it is all good... and all so wonderful. I am so in love already... WOW!

playing the waiting game... at least it is a fun game!

I am getting very anxious and I have a list a mile long to get ready for the baby to get here. Although we only get her for 1 weekend this week... I am looking forward to the full time with her. What a change of pace this will be for David and I. I am nervous.... excited and a little scared for the big life changing event. Just wish we would have gotten her right at birth.

But we cannot turn back time, so we will go forward and see what roads lie ahead.

Cannot wait for her to come over... What a wonderful time. I know I will feel really good getting a baby in our home to love forever. Little J will be covered in love. But that could be a good thing or a bad thing. It could later be something that is teased later in life in a nagative way, so sticking to Emmy is good. It makes her even more part of the family being named such important names like that. It makes us feel proud!

I LOVE her name.... LOVE IT! wouldn't change it in anyway....It's beautiful.

I hope she is not too confused with this... and hope she loves us as much as we love her!

This is bliss!

New News!

Just found out we get to start the respite visits with her a week earlier. I am sooo excited!

J

Well, things are looking up! We have a little girl that I have wanted since she was born. She was given to another family while my case-worker was on vacation:o(. Although the anger was great, holding her at the Methodist Home Christmas party was wonderful... and sad a little for David and I as we fell in love with her the moment we laid eyes on her.

We ended up not staying long at the party as we were kinda a little let down. I didn't want to leave Journey... I felt she was meant for me. I got in the car and said " that is our baby!"

Then, several weeks later... well I guess a month later (1 wk ago...) we got a call from Karri our case-worker that we could have J possibly if her Mom still wasn't visiting or contacting them. As they have tried to contact her by phone and by letter several times with no response.
(well,,,, that is what we were told anyway)
So now, on the 22nd of January 2010, we will start respite visits with her... for two weekends in a row until we get her full time. The selfish part of me doesn't want her to.... the heart of me wants her to come and wisk J away and have her forever... because... very simply... she is her birthmom! Gosh you have to know her heart aches for J... but at the same time... so does mine.

I already love this Baby. WE ALREADY love her! David is so smitten with her. Then again so am I! I have already been sewing dresses for her. In fact as soon as I got the MAYBE that we would get her... I made her a dress right away! I picked out a beautiful blue color that I knew would look good against her beautiful skin.... the skin color we wanted from the beginning ;o)

sigh.... so in love and we still have two weeks to wait! I have to be patient. Afterall... there is a chance that we won't get her. You never know what could happen in two weeks.

I didn't get to spend the first 5 months with her... but I know this foster family is treating her so well. They are angels! Gosh I hope they don't change their minds too! GOSH!

Anyway... back on J! We LOVE the name...

So... although scared... we are hoping that we get to keep little J! We are hoping that it all comes out the way we want. But it is in God's hands. As it always has been his plan for us.

So off to worrying... off to hoping wishing and wondering... but it will be worth it... as long as J is happy and well taken care of... and very very LOVED!

2 weeks will take forever for me! Even if we get her for a little while... I will be happy.
What a journey this will be!

Greater than carpet.

I finally have the guts to write something after Bailey's death without crying. I am so heart broken... and have a sense of insecurity that I haven't really felt before. I realized today on the way to work that this comes from Bailey being gone. I no longer have anyone that needs me and loves me unconditionally. I agree that only a pet's love is ever unconditional a human's is only transitional.

The feeling of not having her here to "need me" to take care of her and love her. I miss that so much. I kinda feel lost without her. I am very clingy and uneasy without her. It is so strange.

I am hoping that I will get that from adopting a child. I need to feel that. In a way deep down I think everyone needs to be needed. Grief is a lot to swallow... and a lot to deal with. It makes you feel like a different person and I KNOW it makes you not the person you used to be. So I guess she was kinda like having a child, one that is needy for you for just about everything. I love to be needed... and I didn't realize just how much that would effect me. But I am so glad I realized it on the way to work today. I was starting to think things were going down hill fast and I didn't know how to stop it. Now I know... it is good to be needed, and I hope I am needed again someday... REAL SOON! :o) God only knows how my heart aches for her. Now I am scared everyone is going to leave me. I hate this broken feeling in my gut. It is so terrible.

My dentist wanted to give me info on getting in touch with his yorkie breeder... and I just can't yet. I don't think I can.... even though people keep telling me I will. No other dog can replace her. I know that is a fact. So if you are reading this, and you sometimes get upset at your pet, or friend or spouse.... realize how much it is nice to be needed... and if that need was taken away you would want it back in an instant. I would clean up pee off the carpet from her accidents in a heart beat with no complaints. I am sooo happy I do not have guilt from getting mad at her, because it was very very rare I got mad at her for it. My love for her was always greater than the carpet and for that I am thankful!