Ghost and gobblins without you.....

Well, I thought I would get to dress you up in a costume and show you off to everyone! I thought we would all get to trick or treat together, but I guess not ...this isn't the one....

I am really looking forward to meeting you and holding you in my arms. I am sad you aren't here by now as I wish upon a star.

Halloween is such a fun Holiday... all the spooky costumes, ghosts and gobblins and all of the candy!

I am hoping you will be around by Thanksgiving. My prayers and hopes are uplifted! I hope I can take you Christmas light watching, which is a big tradition.

It is hard waiting on you, but I know it will be worth it. Just wanted to hold you and share the holiday tradition. When can I see you?

Speaking of old friends....

I can continue to talk about meeting up with old friends. Yesterday I met up with another dear friend of mine and we went to lunch together. We talked for at least 2 hours. The anticipation of meeting with her after so long was abundant and full of exciting anticipation!

Face book has become a wonderful thing about 99% of the time. The only thing is going into the talk about David and I not being able to have babies. I know they cannot understand it, as I knew she wouldn't as well. Knowing I should be able to be a Mom and how great of a Mom I would be. Talking about it still chokes me up at times.. and I knew when enough was enough. I sucked it up and change the subject to how happily married I am and how I have found my soul mate!

It was so good to see her; after all, we both had been through a lot regarding our past situations. Luckily I didn't marry mine like she did. Although she had two beautiful children from that marriage. It was good to see her happy. She looked as beautiful as ever. As we sat to catch up she had to give me some news that she was scared to tell me. Something that she felt she should mention.... I already knew... after all I had been through this before. Something in her voice and her expressions and the "dinner" that she ever so slightly spoke about through e-mails all told me so. She is seeing my ex... the one I cried about for hours on her shoulder so many yrs. ago. It was still a surprise as it rolled off of her tongue, with a giddy sparkle in her eyes. I was so happy for her, scared for her and I felt weird. HA! Why... I have no idea, after all, I wasn't sad, or angry by any means of the word... I was astonished of how she got to where she is today and how weird it seemed too. I was afraid after all of this time of not seeing her... (10 yrs or more) that now; once again, I couldn't see her as much. I felt as if a friend was given back and taken away in a flash. Of coarse it brought out good, bad and the ugly feelings all over again. But that is to be expected... after all, he used to be the love of my life and she knew that.

I think the comfort of her talking to me about it, just showed me we picked up right where we left off... a good honest friendship with no secretes or lies. I was a tad worried... but again, he is a grown man now. Things aren't always like they used to be and I was so happy to have her in my life again. Hey we all love or loved each other at one time, so the love extended to them from me in a way that is good and healthy...after I slept on it of coarse....

I went home and hugged David, threw my arms around him and told him how lucky I was to have him. These little things that seem gloomy and wicked, are only things that make my marriage stronger and it is the little things like this that remind me of how important my marriage is to me and how thankful I am to have a husband that is so perfect and great in all the ways. As she has found this in someone that wasn't that for me. We all have soul mates and we all can find love in people that some do not. It makes me smile today, as I couldn't yesterday that this is the way life is and what matters is the love we have for one another. I wish her well and look forward to our friendship again as she is and was a great friend and worth having in my life today.

I love you friend, wish you well and know the best is yet to come for you. It's good to see you happy...it was wonderful seeing you again.

Cowboys

Well, Tony Romo pulled off a win last Sunday afternoon. It was actually great to watch and I actually didn't end up falling asleep this time. Miles Austin turning out to be a real all star receiver at 502 yards already for the season and 5 touchdown. Tony, when getting out of the pocket; to me seems to be more exciting and more like himself for one play which made for a fun Sunday afternoon. I hope this is the beginning of the beginning for the team so that we do not have any more disappointing weeks.

With that said; I think I won't be ashamed to pull out the Dallas Cowboy pin that I got from Marion Barber's Mom and wear it in public now.

Friendship

Today is a Monday and it is raining. Stalled rain over the area that is very hypnotizing. Terrible rain for a Monday unless you are at home.

I have to say that I am very thankful of the weekend I had. I was able to see an old friend that I hadn't seen for 6 yrs. I enjoyed seeing her and her beautiful daughter. She was a spitting' image of her Mom, although the opinions were otherwise. Funny how you cannot see yourself the way others do... beautiful!

As I grow older, I realize who my truest of friends really are. They are the unspoken that are always there. They are the people you know that are good. They are the ones that you do not have to speak to everyday and can be the ones you haven't seen in a very long time. But they are there... as they always are! Picking up where you left off. The feeling is good and warm. Friendship isn't of convenience, or differences... the word friendship is over used. We all have people we like.... friendships are the ones of which we love. True friendship isn't of ones that you have falling outs with... it is always of acceptance, loyalty, and just plain being there.

A quote that I know stands true, this is true of friendship as well:

Love doesn’t die from natural causes, it dies of starvation when we don’t feed it, it dies when it is deafened by the shouting of anger, it dies when it is blinded by betrayal, it dies when it is choked by misunderstanding, it dies when crushed by the weight of everyday life, it dies of exposure when the shelter of it’s partner has been taken away. Love doesn't die from natural causes, we kill it every day.

It was great seeing my old friend...although I don't see her everyday, she is one of my true friends. She I truly love... I can't wait to see her again!

Tick tock tick tock tick tock......Christmas bells are ringing!!! LOL!!

I keep hearing "tick-tock" instead of Christmas bells. Sad, I know... but very true. It is however, the end of October.

It has now been 3 yrs since we started this whole deal, 8 months in the making since we started with the Methodist Home and almost 5 months since we officially got licensed to be foster parents. Some days are crazier than others. Some days I am good at it not being the first thing on my mind, but some days it makes me nuts! Like I want to really put on the camouflage and go to Parkland and steal a baby... NO! I am just kidding.... but I can see how it can almost take you over that edge of desperation.

All I asked was to have a baby before the holidays begun. I really wanted an October baby and considering we have had a couple of things fall through, you would think that something would have stuck by now. Is it karma, is it bad luck, is it not in the cards? Some days I really just don't know. I keep hearing, it will be the right one when it happens. REALLY? Or is this going to become another statement that "oh it will happen just relax" thing that will have forever embedded in my thoughts.

David will say, " I can't wait for ....." and all I know to say back to him is, " I can't wait for a baby
". I look at him in wonder of why he doesn't say "baby".... or get impatient like me. It is a journey that I feel I am doing alone, even though I know that isn't true. Some days I wonder if this is really something I want.... or has it now become a challenge? I know deep in my gut it is something I wanted for a very long time. Something that I know will complete me. But will all of this wait... will it be over done? Will it be that big of a deal when it finally gets here...? We have been waiting so long that I am not sure anymore. I think I have analyzed this to the point I have gone mad.... into a world of darkness I cannot get out of... a place that is beyond impatience. I need an angel... and in the only form of a baby! That will cure me I am sure! Is it really the right one that I am waiting for...
is it going to be that good, that I will forget all of the heart wrenching yrs in the past? Who knows... time will tell... until then... I keep hearing tick tock, tick Tock.... instead of Christmas bells. Patience is one of the hardest things to achieve, and makes the holidays gloomy. STOP TICKING!!!!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!

It will happen.... just be patient.

Well, I should have started this in the very beginning. I actually started it on My Space and then deleted them all as it was a great way to blow off some steam. David and I have been through a lot of torment in the last few years trying to conceive a baby and trying every medical procedure to do so. Even resorting to surgeries, making embryos outside of our bodies and giving myself shots.

Needless to say as a woman, it is probably one of the worst thing you can go through for many, many reasons. My feelings of anger, rage, depression...major depression and just pure frustration have really been tested. David probably even more so from having to watch me go through all of this. Nothing like having to watch my Husband have surgery, get majorly infected from that and being in so much pain he could hardly get out of bed, to running back and forth with "samples"...to later finding out it wasn't "all him" with the problem all along. Then all the poking and prodding I had to go through the tests that said "I was OK, it was David that had the problem"...to turning around and finding out I too had a problem, that really could have saved us $15,000.00 out of our pockets if we only knew this before hand.

Every time getting our hopes up that "this is it" feelings and then only to be let down numerous of times. So many things that a lot of couples won't even talk about. So many marriages torn apart from going through this. We were lucky... we became stronger..(yes we had fights and very very low times but we let it make us stronger). It is a lot of pressure and a lot of feelings one cannot express that you have about yourself, your body and about your partner. Lots of things you would never say out loud.

I feel so sorry for all who ever have to go through this. It can be life shattering, it can kill you... I strongly believe, if anything, it changes you forever.

I would have never thought it was so disheartening until I went through it myself. This is something a lot of people do not talk about... this is something that a lot of people SHOULD talk about. That is why I am talking about it. It feels good to get it off of my chest. Especially all those angry times I had that I had never had before. Like not wanting to live, not wanting to get out of bed, life isn't worth living. Yes, it makes you feel this way. I think a lot of people bring those feelings on themselves... but with this incident, it came over me like a dark wall cloud over a Kansas sky. I fought it, but it darn near beat me. The desire a woman has to be a Mom is internal... it is built in us. Just like a heart beat or taking a breath, it is an unspoken want and need in one's life. It's a long journey, it's a tough, challenging journey that will take the life out of any spirit. It's desperation at it's finest. Giving yourself a shot is desperate, I don't care who you are. Especially shots that are full of hormones and God knows what else. It's the stuff that makes you crazy, cranky and fuzzy headed. Not to mention bloated and hair growing in places you don't want. It is something that I wish someone would have told me to save me the trouble, heartbreak and the expense. It's a risk... a big risk for many reasons. The only thing it did was save me from the "what if?". But what if this was not in the cards. God knew of a better place for a better Mother.... one who can give, nurture and take care of someone unconditionally.

I had to knock myself off of the; "but maybe if we try this one more thing," ladder and shake myself into reality. But realty had never sucked as much as this time... and I have gone through many reality checks in my lifetime. This one was tough to swallow, tough to talk about without crying, and even worse, seeing others hurt that talk to me about it, seeing the heartache in their eyes, and the "I don't know what to say so I will just look at you" syndrome. But probably worse the very top statement that just makes me cringe and want to shrivel up into a dried raisin ball is "YOU GUYS WILL PROBABLY ADOPT AND THEN COME UP PREGNANT, or IT'LL HAPPEN be patient...relax!". Something people do not know "not to say" so they say it because they don't know what else to say. I understand that. Just like when you tell someone who just lost a very close loved one "it gets better in time".... we say it because we don't know what else to say.... IT WON'T GET BETTER IN TIME... it will change you forever. You will be able to function in life a little better, but that takes a lot of time to even get to that point. People that lose their children... I bet they would tell you it never gets better. It never leaves your mind, it stays on your mind like a bad tattoo.

So, if anyone knows of anyone that may not be able to get pregnant, hold it in, do not say it. Just hug them and try to listen when they want to talk about it. Otherwise, don't bring it up, unless you want a flood of tears on your hands... it's not fun, it makes one's heart very heavy with emptiness. On the other hand, if someone young gets pregnant, don't feel bad for them, be blessed, because when they get older they might not be able to do it again. So just remember, a baby is a blessing no matter the timing, place or how they were conceived.