Is she for real?????

As usual, so much is going on again. Seems all good as I have been told by the birthmom that we can have her. She made her mind up. But she is taking her on Thursday thru Monday to visit with her. So that could change fast. She said she knows she will have a good life with us... and that she dreamt about it and that it was fate we met and that she didn't get adopted by the first adoptee parents that she chose because we were meant to be for her.
She is an angel... we love her dearly... and even more now that she wants us to have her. We are so close. We tell each other we love each other on e-mails and text messages. We want her to be a part of J's life. We are hoping to get her within a week or two. But we will see how the visit goes this weekend first. I try not to get my hopes. But it is so hard when she said that it was her decission to let us raise her. I am so happy... but trying so hard not to be as I will get so excited and get my heart torn if she changes her mind. I got to see baby J this past weekend and I love her so much . Everytime I see her it is heaven sent. I cannot kiss her or hug her enough. I hope that this is finally it... and we get the baby of our dreams that we have wanted since the first time we laid eyes on her. We love you Baby J.... and both of your Mommy's want the best for you!

Patience

Patience is not something that I am good at. It doesn't matter what it is. Could be the smallest of things.... I think this is because I am such a planner. I would like everything planned out a head of time on most things in my life. And sometimes I expect other people to be the same.... which isn't for me to decide. Sometimes I know I am right about it... but some people just take longer to do things... and that is ok too. I need to remember that. Esp. at home with David. He is kinda a fly by the seat of his pants kinda guy. And there is nothing wrong with that.

I also know that when I want something I want it NOW. But when it comes to a baby... it hs been a long time.... 4 yrs and counting.

So, with lots of prayers and hope one day I will get to be a Mommy.

So much is going on....

It has been so long since I wrote on this. I think I kinda forgot about it actually. I have been really busy... trying to get my business up and running. So much has been going on...
This young lady that I have been talking to back and forth on FB... turned out to be J's Mommy. I was surprised... and shocked. I had spilled my guts about how I felt about her daughter... and about the situations we have been put thru. I know it is ok... but I built a friendship with her. She is so sweet... kind and so beautiful. She seems to be a great Mom to her other two children. They are adorable. How could I not know... well her other two children look different. Skin color and hair and eye color. I think baby J will get darker skined. She seems to be darker all over than her face. She is a beauty. I am so happy I know her BM... as I got to know her first before I knew it was really her. In fact... I decided not to find the her. I knew it was too risky.... and low and behold... it was her I was already talking to. WOW.... She seems to want us to adopt Baby J... We actually...(now that I know her Mommy) just want her to have a safe happy home that is permanent. She is getting to the age that this back and forth thing isn't going to be good for her in the long run. She needs stability... and lots more attention... and to gain more weight as she weighs so little. I think that comes from lack of attention, or too much stimulation with all the children around her..... But she is being taken care of... and that is good. We put ourselves on the list for another baby, as we cannot wait for baby J... and later find out we cannot have her. So to save our hearts we are moving on. Not letting go... just moving forward. Turning the page not closing the book. We would take her in a heart beat and give her a life to be dreamed of. We also would really want to have her Mom in our lives. She is special to me... and if she was younger I would beg to adopt her too! Not that she needs adopting... I just have a bond with her. :o) Anyway... we are moving forward.. with a heavy heart. She is not ours... as much as we would like her to be. But what is meant to be will happen and the right baby will be in our home. Whether it is her or another baby... we are just so ready to be parents... we need that in our lives. :o) Everything is perfect... we are just missing that one link. ;o)

Gave it up....

Well, I gave it up and turned it over to God. I had to let go because I was so obsessed with not having her. I had to realize that it was out of my control. There was nothing I could do but try to find the Birth Mom and that was a loss.

So now I am off to getting my mind set on other things I need to get done, or start doing for myself. Don't get me wrong... I still think of her.... just not with that sick feeling in my stomach any more. It doesn't do anyone involved any good for me to worry and make myself sick over it. I am a born worrier, so I knew I had to let it go and let it rest.

I think the agency probably thinks I am a nut case by now... but ya know... when you fall in love with a child, you will get excited and emotional.

Ahhhh.... so even though I am letting go... it isn't all the way as I still have her in mind. But have to put that wall up. It is only to protect myself.

Man... this is really hard...

It is still only Jan. and I still have to wait at LEAST 1 month before I can even get to see her again. MAN O MAN this is so hard. I feel like a school kid with a boyfriend that is going to be gone for a month and you know how that is when you are young in love... a month feels like a year!

This so could go wrong... I could not ever see her again. This is just rotten how this all works. I at least want the birth mom to know what is going on here. That baby girl needs to be with a loving family that wants to adopt her. And if the birth mom wants her back, she can at least know she is with people that love her just as much as she does.

This is the hardest wait. I feel like we are missing out on so much of her growth! I feel like the people she is with just aren't what this baby girl needs. My gut feelings are so severe with this situation. I have only felt something in my gut this strong one other time in my life and I still believe I was right about that too. I wish I could just call this birth mom myself and talk to her. She is the one with the power, as she should be! She needs to make a decission. We would love to share the baby with her so that she can still have contact. We want this to work out for everyone involved and what is best for her. I want to call that foster mom so badly and tell her she needs to tell the MCH that she doesn't want her any longer. I know they won't... so sad too as that would be the christian thing to do especially since some of the reason is to have her for the money they get for taking care of her. We don't even want that. That is not why we became foster parents.

Taking her away....

Is like taking a cub from a mamma bear... I wouldn't suggest doing it... I wouldn't want to try it. Now we cannot have baby girl until after April. It broke my heart. So much so I couldn't bare to type my feelings last Friday as It was like someone pulled the earth right out from under me.

We start respite visits with her in March. So that will be good. But so much can happen during that time. It's crazy. But David and I want her... and only her. We may not get her. But We want her... badly! I can lose sleep over this. So I will have to keep busy... busy as a bee for at least 4 weeks. Ugh!

Baby J we love you. We want what is best for you. We want your Mommy to come back and possibly do the most unselfish thing she has ever done... and let us take her in and give her a great life. One that she can be involved in with us... and be a happy family
Trying to hold back tears.. with my chin up. Your Daddy and I long for you to come home! (I say Daddy with great hope.... LOL)

Little bundle

Ok... last weekend we had J for the weekend for a test run. It went great... so great that we cried when we had to give her back. Saturday just David and I had her.. and the next day Nanna, Papa, Uncle B and Aunt J, Hunter & Braden all came over to see her. She was held all day and was a joy. I did nothing but kiss her and love her all the time. She seems to love being sung to and basically held all of the time. She is the most smiley, happy baby I have ever seen. We both fell in love. David was so protective of her and so involved with changing diapers, putting to sleep etc... We dropped her back of on Monday and Tuesday I was nothing but on cloud nine knowing we will be getting her back full time in two weeks. She is perfect. Perfect for David and I fits into the family so well. Gosh her Birth Mom must be the most beautiful person.

We really hope we get to adopt her. But I want to make sure her birth mom really is sure about this. The MCH tries to contact her, by mail and by phone and nothing happens. In fact it has been since 10/30/2010 when they had her for a visit and droped her back off... never to call or try to see how she has been doing ever since. (so they say) Maybe she is trying to let go.... I don't know. Or maybe she is trying to get on her feet again so she can afford her.

We already have money saved for the baby we get to adopt to go to college and to have a life she or he might not normally have. Yes, we are in love with her... and that is that. It is in God's hands now.. so all we can do is sit here on pins and needles... waiting and wondering and missing her!