I keep hearing "tick-tock" instead of Christmas bells. Sad, I know... but very true. It is however, the end of October.
It has now been 3 yrs since we started this whole deal, 8 months in the making since we started with the Methodist Home and almost 5 months since we officially got licensed to be foster parents. Some days are crazier than others. Some days I am good at it not being the first thing on my mind, but some days it makes me nuts! Like I want to really put on the camouflage and go to Parkland and steal a baby... NO! I am just kidding.... but I can see how it can almost take you over that edge of desperation.
All I asked was to have a baby before the holidays begun. I really wanted an October baby and considering we have had a couple of things fall through, you would think that something would have stuck by now. Is it karma, is it bad luck, is it not in the cards? Some days I really just don't know. I keep hearing, it will be the right one when it happens. REALLY? Or is this going to become another statement that "oh it will happen just relax" thing that will have forever embedded in my thoughts.
David will say, " I can't wait for ....." and all I know to say back to him is, " I can't wait for a baby
". I look at him in wonder of why he doesn't say "baby".... or get impatient like me. It is a journey that I feel I am doing alone, even though I know that isn't true. Some days I wonder if this is really something I want.... or has it now become a challenge? I know deep in my gut it is something I wanted for a very long time. Something that I know will complete me. But will all of this wait... will it be over done? Will it be that big of a deal when it finally gets here...? We have been waiting so long that I am not sure anymore. I think I have analyzed this to the point I have gone mad.... into a world of darkness I cannot get out of... a place that is beyond impatience. I need an angel... and in the only form of a baby! That will cure me I am sure! Is it really the right one that I am waiting for...
is it going to be that good, that I will forget all of the heart wrenching yrs in the past? Who knows... time will tell... until then... I keep hearing tick tock, tick Tock.... instead of Christmas bells. Patience is one of the hardest things to achieve, and makes the holidays gloomy. STOP TICKING!!!!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!
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