It will happen.... just be patient.

Well, I should have started this in the very beginning. I actually started it on My Space and then deleted them all as it was a great way to blow off some steam. David and I have been through a lot of torment in the last few years trying to conceive a baby and trying every medical procedure to do so. Even resorting to surgeries, making embryos outside of our bodies and giving myself shots.

Needless to say as a woman, it is probably one of the worst thing you can go through for many, many reasons. My feelings of anger, rage, depression...major depression and just pure frustration have really been tested. David probably even more so from having to watch me go through all of this. Nothing like having to watch my Husband have surgery, get majorly infected from that and being in so much pain he could hardly get out of bed, to running back and forth with "samples"...to later finding out it wasn't "all him" with the problem all along. Then all the poking and prodding I had to go through the tests that said "I was OK, it was David that had the problem"...to turning around and finding out I too had a problem, that really could have saved us $15,000.00 out of our pockets if we only knew this before hand.

Every time getting our hopes up that "this is it" feelings and then only to be let down numerous of times. So many things that a lot of couples won't even talk about. So many marriages torn apart from going through this. We were lucky... we became stronger..(yes we had fights and very very low times but we let it make us stronger). It is a lot of pressure and a lot of feelings one cannot express that you have about yourself, your body and about your partner. Lots of things you would never say out loud.

I feel so sorry for all who ever have to go through this. It can be life shattering, it can kill you... I strongly believe, if anything, it changes you forever.

I would have never thought it was so disheartening until I went through it myself. This is something a lot of people do not talk about... this is something that a lot of people SHOULD talk about. That is why I am talking about it. It feels good to get it off of my chest. Especially all those angry times I had that I had never had before. Like not wanting to live, not wanting to get out of bed, life isn't worth living. Yes, it makes you feel this way. I think a lot of people bring those feelings on themselves... but with this incident, it came over me like a dark wall cloud over a Kansas sky. I fought it, but it darn near beat me. The desire a woman has to be a Mom is internal... it is built in us. Just like a heart beat or taking a breath, it is an unspoken want and need in one's life. It's a long journey, it's a tough, challenging journey that will take the life out of any spirit. It's desperation at it's finest. Giving yourself a shot is desperate, I don't care who you are. Especially shots that are full of hormones and God knows what else. It's the stuff that makes you crazy, cranky and fuzzy headed. Not to mention bloated and hair growing in places you don't want. It is something that I wish someone would have told me to save me the trouble, heartbreak and the expense. It's a risk... a big risk for many reasons. The only thing it did was save me from the "what if?". But what if this was not in the cards. God knew of a better place for a better Mother.... one who can give, nurture and take care of someone unconditionally.

I had to knock myself off of the; "but maybe if we try this one more thing," ladder and shake myself into reality. But realty had never sucked as much as this time... and I have gone through many reality checks in my lifetime. This one was tough to swallow, tough to talk about without crying, and even worse, seeing others hurt that talk to me about it, seeing the heartache in their eyes, and the "I don't know what to say so I will just look at you" syndrome. But probably worse the very top statement that just makes me cringe and want to shrivel up into a dried raisin ball is "YOU GUYS WILL PROBABLY ADOPT AND THEN COME UP PREGNANT, or IT'LL HAPPEN be patient...relax!". Something people do not know "not to say" so they say it because they don't know what else to say. I understand that. Just like when you tell someone who just lost a very close loved one "it gets better in time".... we say it because we don't know what else to say.... IT WON'T GET BETTER IN TIME... it will change you forever. You will be able to function in life a little better, but that takes a lot of time to even get to that point. People that lose their children... I bet they would tell you it never gets better. It never leaves your mind, it stays on your mind like a bad tattoo.

So, if anyone knows of anyone that may not be able to get pregnant, hold it in, do not say it. Just hug them and try to listen when they want to talk about it. Otherwise, don't bring it up, unless you want a flood of tears on your hands... it's not fun, it makes one's heart very heavy with emptiness. On the other hand, if someone young gets pregnant, don't feel bad for them, be blessed, because when they get older they might not be able to do it again. So just remember, a baby is a blessing no matter the timing, place or how they were conceived.