God

Funny how he works.... I lose one baby and gain another. It is time to say the next thing... that I hate... but is so true a lot of times.... What is meant to be is meant to be. He had a plan all along. Don't get me wrong... I might not get to keep her, but I am sure going to think I am... always keeping in the back of my mind it may only be for a short time. Whatever is meant to be will happen.... and besides... why think negatively about it when all you are doing is wasting all the love that she could be absorbing from us. She needs it and deserves it. She deserves the best. We will just take it one day at a time. I know if it gets closer to the adpotion period... I will start to worry. But until then I will enjoy it and make our home hers as she is ours... for now anyway. Afterall, it really isn't about me.. it is about her. So being selfish cannot get in the way. What is best for her is best and I beleive "he" will make happen in his own way. Hopefully we will be a part of her life some how..... We love her.

Wow.. this Fostering thing is a bit weird....

Called the foster mom that is taking care of J. Seems so strange to pass her over from one car to the other. But I guess what matters is the bottom line. I sent an e-mail to the foster parents and haven't gotten a response back yet. hmmmm.... I am so anxious to get my hands on her and kiss, kiss, kiss her and hug her. I cannot wait to give her a bath and get her into some really cute clothes. I cannot wait to stare at her. I know I will not get much sleep.... but it is all good... and all so wonderful. I am so in love already... WOW!

playing the waiting game... at least it is a fun game!

I am getting very anxious and I have a list a mile long to get ready for the baby to get here. Although we only get her for 1 weekend this week... I am looking forward to the full time with her. What a change of pace this will be for David and I. I am nervous.... excited and a little scared for the big life changing event. Just wish we would have gotten her right at birth.

But we cannot turn back time, so we will go forward and see what roads lie ahead.

Cannot wait for her to come over... What a wonderful time. I know I will feel really good getting a baby in our home to love forever. Little J will be covered in love. But that could be a good thing or a bad thing. It could later be something that is teased later in life in a nagative way, so sticking to Emmy is good. It makes her even more part of the family being named such important names like that. It makes us feel proud!

I LOVE her name.... LOVE IT! wouldn't change it in anyway....It's beautiful.

I hope she is not too confused with this... and hope she loves us as much as we love her!

This is bliss!

New News!

Just found out we get to start the respite visits with her a week earlier. I am sooo excited!

J

Well, things are looking up! We have a little girl that I have wanted since she was born. She was given to another family while my case-worker was on vacation:o(. Although the anger was great, holding her at the Methodist Home Christmas party was wonderful... and sad a little for David and I as we fell in love with her the moment we laid eyes on her.

We ended up not staying long at the party as we were kinda a little let down. I didn't want to leave Journey... I felt she was meant for me. I got in the car and said " that is our baby!"

Then, several weeks later... well I guess a month later (1 wk ago...) we got a call from Karri our case-worker that we could have J possibly if her Mom still wasn't visiting or contacting them. As they have tried to contact her by phone and by letter several times with no response.
(well,,,, that is what we were told anyway)
So now, on the 22nd of January 2010, we will start respite visits with her... for two weekends in a row until we get her full time. The selfish part of me doesn't want her to.... the heart of me wants her to come and wisk J away and have her forever... because... very simply... she is her birthmom! Gosh you have to know her heart aches for J... but at the same time... so does mine.

I already love this Baby. WE ALREADY love her! David is so smitten with her. Then again so am I! I have already been sewing dresses for her. In fact as soon as I got the MAYBE that we would get her... I made her a dress right away! I picked out a beautiful blue color that I knew would look good against her beautiful skin.... the skin color we wanted from the beginning ;o)

sigh.... so in love and we still have two weeks to wait! I have to be patient. Afterall... there is a chance that we won't get her. You never know what could happen in two weeks.

I didn't get to spend the first 5 months with her... but I know this foster family is treating her so well. They are angels! Gosh I hope they don't change their minds too! GOSH!

Anyway... back on J! We LOVE the name...

So... although scared... we are hoping that we get to keep little J! We are hoping that it all comes out the way we want. But it is in God's hands. As it always has been his plan for us.

So off to worrying... off to hoping wishing and wondering... but it will be worth it... as long as J is happy and well taken care of... and very very LOVED!

2 weeks will take forever for me! Even if we get her for a little while... I will be happy.
What a journey this will be!

Greater than carpet.

I finally have the guts to write something after Bailey's death without crying. I am so heart broken... and have a sense of insecurity that I haven't really felt before. I realized today on the way to work that this comes from Bailey being gone. I no longer have anyone that needs me and loves me unconditionally. I agree that only a pet's love is ever unconditional a human's is only transitional.

The feeling of not having her here to "need me" to take care of her and love her. I miss that so much. I kinda feel lost without her. I am very clingy and uneasy without her. It is so strange.

I am hoping that I will get that from adopting a child. I need to feel that. In a way deep down I think everyone needs to be needed. Grief is a lot to swallow... and a lot to deal with. It makes you feel like a different person and I KNOW it makes you not the person you used to be. So I guess she was kinda like having a child, one that is needy for you for just about everything. I love to be needed... and I didn't realize just how much that would effect me. But I am so glad I realized it on the way to work today. I was starting to think things were going down hill fast and I didn't know how to stop it. Now I know... it is good to be needed, and I hope I am needed again someday... REAL SOON! :o) God only knows how my heart aches for her. Now I am scared everyone is going to leave me. I hate this broken feeling in my gut. It is so terrible.

My dentist wanted to give me info on getting in touch with his yorkie breeder... and I just can't yet. I don't think I can.... even though people keep telling me I will. No other dog can replace her. I know that is a fact. So if you are reading this, and you sometimes get upset at your pet, or friend or spouse.... realize how much it is nice to be needed... and if that need was taken away you would want it back in an instant. I would clean up pee off the carpet from her accidents in a heart beat with no complaints. I am sooo happy I do not have guilt from getting mad at her, because it was very very rare I got mad at her for it. My love for her was always greater than the carpet and for that I am thankful!

My angel Bailey Bear....

Well, it has taken several days to be able to post anything about my beloved pet, companion and baby girl Bailey. We had to put her down on the 9th of December. My heart was crushed and was so heavy with sorrow. She was my angel and she was the love of my life. She meant more to me than anyone else did. I mean that in a very different way than how you feel about a human being. Humans can me mean, dishonest, and down right not something you always love every second of the day. A pet's love is the most unconditional love I have ever felt or given to something. Even writting this I feel a sickness up high in my tummy.... and it must be my heart just aching for her. I know all of our destiny is to die. I have heard it a million times and although so true for us all... I still cannot accept why. It is something no one can accept, or wants to accept. Anyone with a heart at least. Many times many loved ones are taken away too soon... and it hurts our hearts with tremendous pressure and pain. It is sickening and down right the sadest thing that we can experience. People keep saying... enjoy the good times you had.... but I cannot, I still want to keep having them. Some people might even think our love for each other was sick.... but I was her mother and she was my baby. I protected her like a momma bear does with her cubs. I loved every inch of her and when she licked my face all over all the time (especially when I came home from work) I just melted inside always like it was the first kiss she had ever given me. We had a great love affair; I call it. She was my rock and I was hers. It wasn't strange to me. She slept up against me every night for 12 yrs and now that she is gone, I have a teddy bear I put up against me under the covers so that I can sleep. I never thought a person could love a pet so much and I never knew a pet could love a human so much. She let me hug her, hold her, kiss her all over... and she always returned it all back to me. She never wanted away from me when I smothered her with love. She just wanted more of it.
I also sleep with her booda bear that she used to play with and I feel so warm and cozy wraping those things around me. OH! and a tshirt she most recently wore so I could smell her.

From the first day I got her, I knew she was mine.... we bonded instantly.... and she knew I was her mommy. I do not care how strange people may think I am about her. She was my everything, my life companion and it really sucks that dogs do not live longer than they do. She was there with me through it all. From kissing off all the tears that fell upon my cheeks, to every exciting time we shared together. Now that she is gone, I feel a great loss.... so much so I have to be medicated to get thru this rough time. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach right now even and I don't think my heart could ever hurt any more than it has in the past several days.

On the day of the 9th, our wonderful Vet, Dr Neiman, Sedated her, and let me and David spend some time with her. Then he came in with that shot. The end all shot. After, I turned upside down like a baby in my arms and kissed her all over. I DID NOT WANT TO LET HER GO.... I had no peace about it. I just wanted her forever with me.

I hope she is with my Grandma, and I hope she isn't hugging her too tight like she used to try to... and I hope they are keeping each other comfortable and with lots of love.

I miss you Bailey Bear. My angel forever. I LOVE YOU.