a sparkle of positive energy.....A wish upon a star!

Ok, today I had to realize that negative thinking and anger are getting me no where. Doesn't help me, doesn't help people around me and does create bad karma that I do not want or need. Today I had what I call a sparkle of positive energy. An epiphany of happy thoughts. The right baby that is right for us is in the waiting. Just from one spark of happy energy "could" in fact get us to where we want to be and on the road to happiness. Not that happiness is not here now, NO, not at all. Happiness is already here inside, just waiting to jump out of me and grab hold of a tiny little life form to hold in my arms if only for a lifetime, that it is meant to be for us and with us.

This is it! The energy from everyone and the mini prayers will be answered. There must be something special coming, something I cannot explain now, but something that will shoot through our hearts and lives faster that you and I can take in a breath of air.

I hope it will feel like a million butterflies fluttering through my entire body. Something that will make me weak in the knees and warm in my heart. That feeling will come. And all of this will just be dust from a fallen star that has already faded into darkness.

It is brushing yourself off and getting back on the horse to ride again. It is what keeps me going. It is the only thing that can be done. No one is to blame... and everyone is responsible for their thoughts and prayers. Every little thought, or wish will be answered.... we just do not know what form it will take when we can really see it before us.

I cannot wait to laugh with excitement of all the impatience I had, that will soon feel like something I can do again, as long as the outcome is this grand! YES, I said "AGAIN"!

So, as I wish upon a star tonight,,,, I mean really walk outside and wish on that star that is so bright, I will do it with a lot of positive thoughts and a lot of great feelings that picking myself up and carrying on is what I have been doing and will continue to do. Being persistent and never giving up on what you really want will stand true for me and us!

Good things do come to those that wait... I do not think I have ever seen it be any different than that. Besides, if we all never had a good thing happen we all wouldn't be living... it is what keeps us going in life's ups and downs and is how we grow, learn and tear down walls.

We all can weather a storm... we all have it in us.

Roller coasters are not for the faint of heart!

Well, today another baby fell through. A preemie baby boy who is Hispanic. He is 4 lbs and his Mother used meth. during her pregnancy. They said he is doing fine now. Methodist Childrens home did not get back fast enough and we lost him to another agency. I am not even sad. I am so angry that we lost him because of timing. This is just unacceptable to me. I know they tried their hardest. I know I was warned that these things fall through. But it still doesn't make it fun at all.

It felt like cupid hit me right in the heart... and then twisted the arrow around in there, did a little jig and broke the arrow off into my heart.

It sucks. I am so ready to have a baby at home. sigh.... I am starting to get sick of people telling me "this" will happen. Just like trying to get pregnant and people told me that. I am starting to get so sick of it, but it is my own fault. I TELL people. I have to stop telling people. Each time I tell less and less people. Next time, maybe I just won't tell anyone but David. And then the next time after that I won't even tell him. And then after that if we get a placement, I will put David in the car and tell him on the way to pick up the baby!!! Probably the best bet. Even then it could probably fall through. Man, I honestly don't think I have ever been on this high of a roller coaster. AND I HATE ROLLER COASTERS!

2nd Placement that fell through.

Very hard having to turn away a placement for a 1 yr old boy who has a skull injury. Makes me very sad. If I didn't work I would certainly have taken him in no questions asked. I just wouldn't want to leave a little boy with a skull fracture at daycare all day long while I am at work. Breaks my heart. But I guess we will know the right one when he or she comes along.

The lord works in mysterious ways, so we will keep on praying and hoping for the right fit for our family.

Bless this little boys heart! This is really tough to turn away.

Dear Baby....

Dear Baby,

I have to tell you something funny that I just remembered. Your Daddy wants to name you Diesel if you are a boy! I promise that I will do my best for that not to happen. It would be terrible because you would be teased in school so badly.

I am hoping for a normal name, as he will be the one naming you. Us adults need to remember what it is like at school to be teased, or tormented. So a name that is as unusual as Diesel, is a name a child should not have. We have all laughed about this. Even though this is something your Daddy insists upon. I will do my best to persuade him otherwise and know this will be a name to remember and look back on and laugh... He is thinking cool... and I am thinking torture! Lol!! We both really want an awesome name for you, so if you are a boy, we will come up with something.


Still waiting for you....

Hopeful with caution.

Well, Halloween came and went... I cannot beleive it is November already. Now I am hoping for a baby for my birthday. But I know it probably won't happen. I know, negative thinking huh... well.... I am hopful with caution. Better off to be this way. I just cannot beleive it is taking this long. Hurry up and be born already. I need you and want you in our lives!

It's time for something to spice things up and you are just what it will take. I am hoping it won't be another year past without you!

The baby room that I have has been waiting for a long time for you. Everytime I walk by the room I sigh. It's so beautiful. Your Daddy and I have worked very hard to put this room together, and your Aunt Melanie has let us use her baby room furniture. It goes so perfectly.

I just keep thinking.... WHEN WHEN... when are you coming home? One day you will know what it is like to wait on something that you REALLY REALLY want in life. You will be so amazed at how much it will consume you and how you will do whatever it takes to make it happen.

Ghost and gobblins without you.....

Well, I thought I would get to dress you up in a costume and show you off to everyone! I thought we would all get to trick or treat together, but I guess not ...this isn't the one....

I am really looking forward to meeting you and holding you in my arms. I am sad you aren't here by now as I wish upon a star.

Halloween is such a fun Holiday... all the spooky costumes, ghosts and gobblins and all of the candy!

I am hoping you will be around by Thanksgiving. My prayers and hopes are uplifted! I hope I can take you Christmas light watching, which is a big tradition.

It is hard waiting on you, but I know it will be worth it. Just wanted to hold you and share the holiday tradition. When can I see you?

Speaking of old friends....

I can continue to talk about meeting up with old friends. Yesterday I met up with another dear friend of mine and we went to lunch together. We talked for at least 2 hours. The anticipation of meeting with her after so long was abundant and full of exciting anticipation!

Face book has become a wonderful thing about 99% of the time. The only thing is going into the talk about David and I not being able to have babies. I know they cannot understand it, as I knew she wouldn't as well. Knowing I should be able to be a Mom and how great of a Mom I would be. Talking about it still chokes me up at times.. and I knew when enough was enough. I sucked it up and change the subject to how happily married I am and how I have found my soul mate!

It was so good to see her; after all, we both had been through a lot regarding our past situations. Luckily I didn't marry mine like she did. Although she had two beautiful children from that marriage. It was good to see her happy. She looked as beautiful as ever. As we sat to catch up she had to give me some news that she was scared to tell me. Something that she felt she should mention.... I already knew... after all I had been through this before. Something in her voice and her expressions and the "dinner" that she ever so slightly spoke about through e-mails all told me so. She is seeing my ex... the one I cried about for hours on her shoulder so many yrs. ago. It was still a surprise as it rolled off of her tongue, with a giddy sparkle in her eyes. I was so happy for her, scared for her and I felt weird. HA! Why... I have no idea, after all, I wasn't sad, or angry by any means of the word... I was astonished of how she got to where she is today and how weird it seemed too. I was afraid after all of this time of not seeing her... (10 yrs or more) that now; once again, I couldn't see her as much. I felt as if a friend was given back and taken away in a flash. Of coarse it brought out good, bad and the ugly feelings all over again. But that is to be expected... after all, he used to be the love of my life and she knew that.

I think the comfort of her talking to me about it, just showed me we picked up right where we left off... a good honest friendship with no secretes or lies. I was a tad worried... but again, he is a grown man now. Things aren't always like they used to be and I was so happy to have her in my life again. Hey we all love or loved each other at one time, so the love extended to them from me in a way that is good and healthy...after I slept on it of coarse....

I went home and hugged David, threw my arms around him and told him how lucky I was to have him. These little things that seem gloomy and wicked, are only things that make my marriage stronger and it is the little things like this that remind me of how important my marriage is to me and how thankful I am to have a husband that is so perfect and great in all the ways. As she has found this in someone that wasn't that for me. We all have soul mates and we all can find love in people that some do not. It makes me smile today, as I couldn't yesterday that this is the way life is and what matters is the love we have for one another. I wish her well and look forward to our friendship again as she is and was a great friend and worth having in my life today.

I love you friend, wish you well and know the best is yet to come for you. It's good to see you happy...it was wonderful seeing you again.