OH GOSH... this is it.. tomorrow is the day....

I am sooo sick to my stomach... I feel like I am going to the bathroom soon and not sure which end it is going to come out of because I am soooo stressed about tomorrow that it will go smooth. It has messed my entire system up. sigh...( I just took the biggest sigh ever...)

We are soo used to things going wrong so what is happening is I am getting sick as ever with worry... frantic panicing that we won't get her! sigh... another long sigh.... I should have taken off work today too!

I have to stop typing as I am so sick with fear!

Love is thicker than water....

Who says blood is thicker than water.... I think love is thicker than water. You do not have to have the same blood to love unconditionally. You do not have to have the same blood to be family.. so why wouldn't it be, "love is thicker than water"! Well, that is how I am going to be anyway. Not only am I gaining a Daughter with the rights of parenthood... I also gain a sister/friend. I feel like I wish she was my daughter.... but she is an adult.. and has been a friend to me in a way that no one else ever can. She is giving David and I the gift of love, parenthood, and so much joy that a person could every want. She is giving us her heart and for this I am gratful. But she isn't losing out... I know it seems that way... and I could never know what she is feeling inside, but she will get to see her baby girl whenever she wants, she will have full contact to know how each day and night is if she would like. She will get pictures and be able to see the happiness her daughter will always have in her life. She has given us a gift like no one else can or will. She is my angel... and I have said that from the beginning. I took a big risk... a large chance in order to make J's life better. I did it for her, me and her Mom. Everyone told me it wouldn't work,,, I shouldn't have done this, I was making a big mistake. But I knew better. I followed my gut. I took that risk that a lot of people would never do. And I am glad I did because it has proven to be a risk worth taking. I am so lucky to have a birth mom in my life that I love as family, enjoy like a sister and get to talk to every day. I am one of the lucky ones. I think she is lucky to have us too. No one next to her can take care of her daughter like we will and have. It's an amazing miracle that has proven true to the statement, good things come to those that wait. But it was a rough wait... a long road, a terrible, fun, exciting, scary, aweful, blessed and wonderful Journey.

Dear God:

Please give me the strength to get through the next week and 1/2 and please do what is right for baby J and see that she is put where she is meant to be. Give the Mom the strength to make the right decission for this child. Give David and I the strength to make it through what could be a very tough time. And show us the way as we try to make sense of everything to come.

focus Cary... focus!

Ok... crazy days yesterday... acted a little PSYCHO from all of this baby stuff... I need a break! my heart can't take much more of this... but somehow... that little sweet pea keeps me going... so as much as I want to give up... I have to wait til the end to see what happens. God it's torture!

THE week...

Let's hope so anyway. This Friday... hope it happens... if not I am not sure what we are going to do.... she CANNOT keep being in a a home that isn't permanent. It's driving me nuts! Plus I have an Easter dress for her and prob. am not going to be able to see her or get it to her. It's craziness.

Sigh... how much longer is this going to go on?

Poor little punkin'.

My heart aches for her.... it's pathetic how this all has turned out.

Well... I had to stop being selfish...

The poor little Boo Boo is sick! 101 fever... he is doing better... but on medicine. I have to hand it to her.. she really was thinking of Baby J to not get her sick. Hopefully all will happen next week sometime. I am not sure why this keeps getting prolonged... I am hoping in good time it will happen. She is going to be 8 months...we are missing all her baby years... and that makes me sad! Worst of it is.. no one thinks of baby J in all of this. Not the people that can actually do something anyway. Very hard when you get attached to a special child. I think it is in my best interest to get her and move on.... as doing this again would just be too much to go thru. Time for life to start again for us.

Her Birth Mommy is a very special person. Who is allowing us to raise her child. So I am trying my best to stay focused and to have patience. I think this is the most anything has ever tested my patience. The frustration of it all is over whelming. You cannot make it go in your favor.... it isn't up to me to do that. It is up to God I suppose. and the Birth mom... and the MCH.... and the courts... WHEW... we have a lot of obstacles to hurdle.... and we haven't gotten over the first hurdle yet. Ok... I have to let go. Just let what is to happen happen. I am not sure I have any strength left for this. But I have to.

the luck I have... or shall I say don't have....

Now her little boy got sick... and she cannot go get Journey. Really sad ... as we would have gotten our visits starting that following week. oh well... hopefully this will happen.