Dear God:

Please give me the strength to get through the next week and 1/2 and please do what is right for baby J and see that she is put where she is meant to be. Give the Mom the strength to make the right decission for this child. Give David and I the strength to make it through what could be a very tough time. And show us the way as we try to make sense of everything to come.

focus Cary... focus!

Ok... crazy days yesterday... acted a little PSYCHO from all of this baby stuff... I need a break! my heart can't take much more of this... but somehow... that little sweet pea keeps me going... so as much as I want to give up... I have to wait til the end to see what happens. God it's torture!

THE week...

Let's hope so anyway. This Friday... hope it happens... if not I am not sure what we are going to do.... she CANNOT keep being in a a home that isn't permanent. It's driving me nuts! Plus I have an Easter dress for her and prob. am not going to be able to see her or get it to her. It's craziness.

Sigh... how much longer is this going to go on?

Poor little punkin'.

My heart aches for her.... it's pathetic how this all has turned out.

Well... I had to stop being selfish...

The poor little Boo Boo is sick! 101 fever... he is doing better... but on medicine. I have to hand it to her.. she really was thinking of Baby J to not get her sick. Hopefully all will happen next week sometime. I am not sure why this keeps getting prolonged... I am hoping in good time it will happen. She is going to be 8 months...we are missing all her baby years... and that makes me sad! Worst of it is.. no one thinks of baby J in all of this. Not the people that can actually do something anyway. Very hard when you get attached to a special child. I think it is in my best interest to get her and move on.... as doing this again would just be too much to go thru. Time for life to start again for us.

Her Birth Mommy is a very special person. Who is allowing us to raise her child. So I am trying my best to stay focused and to have patience. I think this is the most anything has ever tested my patience. The frustration of it all is over whelming. You cannot make it go in your favor.... it isn't up to me to do that. It is up to God I suppose. and the Birth mom... and the MCH.... and the courts... WHEW... we have a lot of obstacles to hurdle.... and we haven't gotten over the first hurdle yet. Ok... I have to let go. Just let what is to happen happen. I am not sure I have any strength left for this. But I have to.

the luck I have... or shall I say don't have....

Now her little boy got sick... and she cannot go get Journey. Really sad ... as we would have gotten our visits starting that following week. oh well... hopefully this will happen.

Today's Scorpio Horoscope: Thought it was compelling with what was going on.
3/15/2010
"If you are ready for anything its sitting down talking things out and making some promises. You of coarse are an expert at promises and keeping them. But you have learned that others aren't quite so skilled at it so you aren't ordinarily confident about everything you hear. However at the moment you can trust your ears when they tell you that the person in front of you is being completely honest. Now relax and do some celebrating."

letter from Baby J's birthmom to me this past Sat.

Written by J's Mom to Me:

"I had a dream last night that it was baby J's college graduation and I was there and then I saw U and David hugging her and she looked at me, smiled and said "thank you Mom, I love U".
Sorry, I am in tears just typing this! But I remember the feelings from my dream, I was so happy, proud and thankful for you two. I think all of this happened for a reason. I didn't give her up to the first adoptive parents through Gladney when she was first born as I know it was God's way of pointing us to you and David. I love her SOOOOOOO much and I want the best for her. She deserves it.
I better go as this is too emotional so I better stop typing....LOL. Just wanted to let you know that she will be so lucky to have parents like you two. I am thankful you guys are willing to let me see her grow up and all of her accomplishments. I can't wait to hand her to you. .... it will be the best decision."