My angel Bailey Bear....

Well, it has taken several days to be able to post anything about my beloved pet, companion and baby girl Bailey. We had to put her down on the 9th of December. My heart was crushed and was so heavy with sorrow. She was my angel and she was the love of my life. She meant more to me than anyone else did. I mean that in a very different way than how you feel about a human being. Humans can me mean, dishonest, and down right not something you always love every second of the day. A pet's love is the most unconditional love I have ever felt or given to something. Even writting this I feel a sickness up high in my tummy.... and it must be my heart just aching for her. I know all of our destiny is to die. I have heard it a million times and although so true for us all... I still cannot accept why. It is something no one can accept, or wants to accept. Anyone with a heart at least. Many times many loved ones are taken away too soon... and it hurts our hearts with tremendous pressure and pain. It is sickening and down right the sadest thing that we can experience. People keep saying... enjoy the good times you had.... but I cannot, I still want to keep having them. Some people might even think our love for each other was sick.... but I was her mother and she was my baby. I protected her like a momma bear does with her cubs. I loved every inch of her and when she licked my face all over all the time (especially when I came home from work) I just melted inside always like it was the first kiss she had ever given me. We had a great love affair; I call it. She was my rock and I was hers. It wasn't strange to me. She slept up against me every night for 12 yrs and now that she is gone, I have a teddy bear I put up against me under the covers so that I can sleep. I never thought a person could love a pet so much and I never knew a pet could love a human so much. She let me hug her, hold her, kiss her all over... and she always returned it all back to me. She never wanted away from me when I smothered her with love. She just wanted more of it.
I also sleep with her booda bear that she used to play with and I feel so warm and cozy wraping those things around me. OH! and a tshirt she most recently wore so I could smell her.

From the first day I got her, I knew she was mine.... we bonded instantly.... and she knew I was her mommy. I do not care how strange people may think I am about her. She was my everything, my life companion and it really sucks that dogs do not live longer than they do. She was there with me through it all. From kissing off all the tears that fell upon my cheeks, to every exciting time we shared together. Now that she is gone, I feel a great loss.... so much so I have to be medicated to get thru this rough time. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach right now even and I don't think my heart could ever hurt any more than it has in the past several days.

On the day of the 9th, our wonderful Vet, Dr Neiman, Sedated her, and let me and David spend some time with her. Then he came in with that shot. The end all shot. After, I turned upside down like a baby in my arms and kissed her all over. I DID NOT WANT TO LET HER GO.... I had no peace about it. I just wanted her forever with me.

I hope she is with my Grandma, and I hope she isn't hugging her too tight like she used to try to... and I hope they are keeping each other comfortable and with lots of love.

I miss you Bailey Bear. My angel forever. I LOVE YOU.

a sparkle of positive energy.....A wish upon a star!

Ok, today I had to realize that negative thinking and anger are getting me no where. Doesn't help me, doesn't help people around me and does create bad karma that I do not want or need. Today I had what I call a sparkle of positive energy. An epiphany of happy thoughts. The right baby that is right for us is in the waiting. Just from one spark of happy energy "could" in fact get us to where we want to be and on the road to happiness. Not that happiness is not here now, NO, not at all. Happiness is already here inside, just waiting to jump out of me and grab hold of a tiny little life form to hold in my arms if only for a lifetime, that it is meant to be for us and with us.

This is it! The energy from everyone and the mini prayers will be answered. There must be something special coming, something I cannot explain now, but something that will shoot through our hearts and lives faster that you and I can take in a breath of air.

I hope it will feel like a million butterflies fluttering through my entire body. Something that will make me weak in the knees and warm in my heart. That feeling will come. And all of this will just be dust from a fallen star that has already faded into darkness.

It is brushing yourself off and getting back on the horse to ride again. It is what keeps me going. It is the only thing that can be done. No one is to blame... and everyone is responsible for their thoughts and prayers. Every little thought, or wish will be answered.... we just do not know what form it will take when we can really see it before us.

I cannot wait to laugh with excitement of all the impatience I had, that will soon feel like something I can do again, as long as the outcome is this grand! YES, I said "AGAIN"!

So, as I wish upon a star tonight,,,, I mean really walk outside and wish on that star that is so bright, I will do it with a lot of positive thoughts and a lot of great feelings that picking myself up and carrying on is what I have been doing and will continue to do. Being persistent and never giving up on what you really want will stand true for me and us!

Good things do come to those that wait... I do not think I have ever seen it be any different than that. Besides, if we all never had a good thing happen we all wouldn't be living... it is what keeps us going in life's ups and downs and is how we grow, learn and tear down walls.

We all can weather a storm... we all have it in us.

Roller coasters are not for the faint of heart!

Well, today another baby fell through. A preemie baby boy who is Hispanic. He is 4 lbs and his Mother used meth. during her pregnancy. They said he is doing fine now. Methodist Childrens home did not get back fast enough and we lost him to another agency. I am not even sad. I am so angry that we lost him because of timing. This is just unacceptable to me. I know they tried their hardest. I know I was warned that these things fall through. But it still doesn't make it fun at all.

It felt like cupid hit me right in the heart... and then twisted the arrow around in there, did a little jig and broke the arrow off into my heart.

It sucks. I am so ready to have a baby at home. sigh.... I am starting to get sick of people telling me "this" will happen. Just like trying to get pregnant and people told me that. I am starting to get so sick of it, but it is my own fault. I TELL people. I have to stop telling people. Each time I tell less and less people. Next time, maybe I just won't tell anyone but David. And then the next time after that I won't even tell him. And then after that if we get a placement, I will put David in the car and tell him on the way to pick up the baby!!! Probably the best bet. Even then it could probably fall through. Man, I honestly don't think I have ever been on this high of a roller coaster. AND I HATE ROLLER COASTERS!

2nd Placement that fell through.

Very hard having to turn away a placement for a 1 yr old boy who has a skull injury. Makes me very sad. If I didn't work I would certainly have taken him in no questions asked. I just wouldn't want to leave a little boy with a skull fracture at daycare all day long while I am at work. Breaks my heart. But I guess we will know the right one when he or she comes along.

The lord works in mysterious ways, so we will keep on praying and hoping for the right fit for our family.

Bless this little boys heart! This is really tough to turn away.

Dear Baby....

Dear Baby,

I have to tell you something funny that I just remembered. Your Daddy wants to name you Diesel if you are a boy! I promise that I will do my best for that not to happen. It would be terrible because you would be teased in school so badly.

I am hoping for a normal name, as he will be the one naming you. Us adults need to remember what it is like at school to be teased, or tormented. So a name that is as unusual as Diesel, is a name a child should not have. We have all laughed about this. Even though this is something your Daddy insists upon. I will do my best to persuade him otherwise and know this will be a name to remember and look back on and laugh... He is thinking cool... and I am thinking torture! Lol!! We both really want an awesome name for you, so if you are a boy, we will come up with something.


Still waiting for you....

Hopeful with caution.

Well, Halloween came and went... I cannot beleive it is November already. Now I am hoping for a baby for my birthday. But I know it probably won't happen. I know, negative thinking huh... well.... I am hopful with caution. Better off to be this way. I just cannot beleive it is taking this long. Hurry up and be born already. I need you and want you in our lives!

It's time for something to spice things up and you are just what it will take. I am hoping it won't be another year past without you!

The baby room that I have has been waiting for a long time for you. Everytime I walk by the room I sigh. It's so beautiful. Your Daddy and I have worked very hard to put this room together, and your Aunt Melanie has let us use her baby room furniture. It goes so perfectly.

I just keep thinking.... WHEN WHEN... when are you coming home? One day you will know what it is like to wait on something that you REALLY REALLY want in life. You will be so amazed at how much it will consume you and how you will do whatever it takes to make it happen.

Ghost and gobblins without you.....

Well, I thought I would get to dress you up in a costume and show you off to everyone! I thought we would all get to trick or treat together, but I guess not ...this isn't the one....

I am really looking forward to meeting you and holding you in my arms. I am sad you aren't here by now as I wish upon a star.

Halloween is such a fun Holiday... all the spooky costumes, ghosts and gobblins and all of the candy!

I am hoping you will be around by Thanksgiving. My prayers and hopes are uplifted! I hope I can take you Christmas light watching, which is a big tradition.

It is hard waiting on you, but I know it will be worth it. Just wanted to hold you and share the holiday tradition. When can I see you?